Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Competition Vs Cooperation Among Children.

Competition vs cooperation IELTS.jpg

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Some people argue that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In this world of fierce competition, debate about the fact that whether children should be taught to compete or co-operate goes unabated. I  strongly believe that though healthy competitions encourage children to pursue academic excellence and motivates them to work harder (excellent parallelism), instilling co-operation helps in the learning process   and development of social skills and helps enables (word repetition: helps) them to create positive relationship among students. (Wonderful! All necessary points briefly mentioned.)

Healthy competitions competition (match with pronoun it) among students have has many advantages. Firstly, it creates a mind of competition among them by which they work hard to reach the top and they get inspired to do their best (A competitive mindset motivates students to work hard and inspires them to do their best.). At times it teaches them to accept failures and to strive more to reach the point of excellence. However, at times some children fails fail to handle the extreme stress and anxiety created by competition and sometimes even failed ones envy the winners which creates (envy – creates) disharmony and bitterness among their relationship (this idea supports cooperation and should be written in the next paragraph). For example, recent survey conducted by the World Health Organisation revealed that more than 30 percent of students suffer from depression and around 18 percent are affected by some kind of psychological disorders like anxiety and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder due to immense pressure from teachers and parents for excellence or because of having unaccepted failures(Good job writing the example. However, it does not support the view that competition is necessary. Rather it opposed the view. Task response score suffers.)

On the other hand, teaching cooperation creates only positive relationship among students. Children They (referencing builds cohesion) are encouraged to help and learn from each other and they work as a group towards higher achievement and self esteem and thus a student will become becomes (use simple present tense) a social human being. Moreover, when group activities are involved in teaching, it develops a child’s creativity and decision making skills thus enabling them him to become more confident and energetic youth (a more confident and energetic youth). For instance, a recent study done by the educational Education Department in Finland revealed that overall 61 percent of the co-operative learning classes achieved significantly higher test score than traditional classes.

In conclusion, although competitions help students to work harder and ignites ignite their mind to reach topmost level(a comma here) one should be wary of its their (competitions = plural) psychological effects as it they instills stress and creates disharmony among them students. If we instill infuse (word repetition: instill) co-operation among our children, they will learn many life skills and will also develop their leadership, communication and decision making skills.

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