IELTS Essay Correction: Money to Help Homeless People.

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Most of the cities have homeless people. Some people think that money is the best way to help them. To what extent do you agree?

40 minutes, 250 words

Answer:

There is no doubt that homeless people are homelessness is a widespread concern (good collocation) in many cities. Eventhough some city dwellers consider monetary help to them as a solution to the problem, I completely believe that these aid this is far from being the most efficient method since the chance of it is open to exploitation and other methods are superiority of other ways to support them.

Parodoxically, monetary help for poor people will not benefit them always due to exploitation by greedy individuals. In other words, (This is an explanation of the idea. Not “in other words.”) there are lots of mafias and businesses that have (there are X that have Y) managed to expand by exploiting these homeless people who are compelled to beg all over the day and at the end a large portion of money given to their boss are compelled to hand over most of it to the mafia (parallelism). For instance, Delhi Police has conducted an awareness-campaign, which mentions the adverse impacts of giving fund to beggers, to notify the public about these money making mafias. Evidently, I strongly agree that giving coins is not a sensible measure to help homeless(You’ve made this point. Do not repeat this.)

Please note that the paragraph structure should be as follows:

  1. Sentence 1 MENTIONS the idea.
  2. Sentence 2 (and 3) EXPLAINS the idea in detail.
  3. Sentence 3 (and 4) give EXAMPLE.

Additionally, not only lack of financial stability but also mental disability and infections can be the leading factor for homelessness unhoused. To be specific, there are many neglected individuals who are thrownout and abused by their families in streets because of their mental instability or other chronic illnesses. In such cases, rather than pecuniary aid, social services such as rehabilitation services, charity homes, and family counselling will significantly protect them rather than pecuniary aid (this sentence structure compares pecuniary aid to significantly protect.). Therefore, needless to say, rehabilitating the homeless is more appreciated than giving money.

In conclusion, while some people advocate for donating money to poor, I completely believe that this is not the best way to ease the problem of wandering homelessness (avoid using pronouns that do not convey the same meaning) as money can hardly help them and there are other measures such as family support and rehabilitation to be practiced that are more beneficial.

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