IELTS Essay Correction: People Watch Similar Films, Advertisements, Music and Fashion – 2.

Fashion IELTS PTE

Image Courtesy: Wikimedia Commons – Carolina Herrera

Nowadays people from different countries watch and enjoy the same films, advertisements, music, and fashion. Do you agree or disagree? What are advantages and disadvantages of this development. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

People, all across the world, today are believed to be having have similar tastes in many walks of life, especially in the domain of entertainment and clothing, even though it is for sure, . This phenomenon has its own strength and failings, (no comma) since it is not only beneficial in estabilishing solidarity and harmony in society but also a possible cause of ruination of local culture. (Well written. Just take care of using the right punctuation marks.)

Firstly, this phenomenon has bought in great benefits, (no comma) as people now behave like inhabitants of a global village. One can experience a bonhomie among the natives of various cultures, societies and countries. For instance, a recent global survey conducted by Yale university in Australia on different age groups, reveals recealed that 67 percent of total population all over the world have has developed same similar interests for clothes, food, music and movies (name the interests to develop task response) in the recent decade. This is due to the fact that, (no comma) they are influenced by global trends due to the advent of ever expanding media and the internet. This is a quite positive development as it indicates fostering similar views and aspirations which may lead to creation of harmony among the citizens of planet. (the paragraph and its ideas are logically developed with the right example. Good job!)

Secondly, However (use right connecting device to create contrast.) there are serious shortfalls of this development tendency, as we see that many cultures and languages, especially of the poor countries, (this should be a modifier) disappearing soon. For example, according to a recent research, every year 10 local/ vernacular langaguages are vanishing due to negligence of people onslaught of global media (maintain task response). Moreover, they are no longer interested in perpetuating their native culture further, as/ since/ because they mostly prefer western outfits and give up traditional attire. They believe, that western culture is superior than their own culture.

In conclusion, people across the globe have started developing similar tastes, but despite having several benefits this trend have has serious shortfalls, and we might see the fallout of such aspects pretty soon (this is open ended and too vague. Make it specific. What fallouts?).

The ideas in the second body paragraph can be better developed with the help of an example. Make conclusion more specific. Bands = 6.5 to 7.0. 

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