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IELTS Essay Correction: More and More Material Possessions.

These days everyone seems to have more and more possessions (eg. computers, cars, mobile phones, etc.). Our strong desire to own these things is making us less aware of important personal qualities such as kindness and concern for others. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In todays’ era, when everyone, apparently, crave to have material possessions ranging from electronic gadget to a luxury car, other innate qualities (excellent collocation!) such as humility and affection have lost (lost what? This adjective must have a noun) importance/ credence/ currency. I agree with the statement and feel that object-oriented (materialistic) approach towards life and sudden change in priorities are responsible for such deteriorating attitudes.

First and foremost, a complete void (a wide chasm) between relationships is the root cause of an apathetic behaviour of the people. This is because, family bonding is not as strong  as it used to be in the past, where when anecdotes of moral stories from the elders of the family used to play a major role as a building block to shape in shaping (used to be a building block in shaping) a strong character of all the family members.  Now, it (what does it refer to?) has been replaced by nuclear families with isolated lifestyle. As a result of which, they are more focus more on buying all material possessions to fill their houses. Although wall-to-wall television and latest computer with best configuration have gifted us a comfortable life, it is they are of no use if basic human traits such as kindness and love miss from our heart.

Secondly, a shift of priorities equally contribute to have an insensible temperament. To elaborate, an urge to have a classic iPhone or a funky (an informal word) android handsets makes people, especially new the young generation, to work for incessant hours. It is because, so that they can fulfil their all desires which can be a big house or a dream expensive holiday destination. In doing so, they forget their families and create complications (which complications. Leave no scope for vagueness) around; and soon, end up in a chaos with a feeling of emptiness which converts them in to a person with nill without any feelings.

To recapitulate, a fascination to have high-end products has drifted away individuals from an affectionate behaviour to the a self-centred behavioural change lifestyle. It will drastically effect human relationships if we do not realise the importance of love and care.

The essay measures well on grammar, task response, cohesion and lexical resources. Eliminate any scope for vagueness to score more bands. Bands = 7+.

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