IELTS Essay Correction: Art Vs Science, Business and Technology – 1.

Arts is considered an essential part of cultures throughout the world. However, these days, fewer and fewer people appreciate arts and turn their focus towards science, technology and business. 

Why do you think that is?

What should be done to encourage more and more people to take interest in arts?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The modern world as we see it today, is going through an era of rising consumerism and widespread use of technology in human lives. This has led to decreased appreciation of arts by the people due to a sharp rise in the number of jobs (did JOBS lead to a decrease in art appreciation?) and thus greater financial security of the people working in these (which fields? There’s nothing that these can refer to.) fields as compared to those following arts. (Rephrase: This has led to a decreased appreciation for arts since people are more interested in science, technology and business subjects that help secure jobs and a rewarding career.) However, decreased recognition of the prominent personalities, working in various areas of arts and literature has also contributed to this.

Aggressive marketing of consumer goods and electronics has glamorized the area of sales and business. (Do not mention the second reasons as long as you’ve not adequately explained the first reason. Explain how it has glamorised the area of sales and business.) Secondly, a rapid rise in the number of jobs (which jobs?) during the last two decades and far greater income in the fields associated with medical science and engineering has have (two things – a rapid rise and far greater incomediverted the younger generation towards choosing science and business (a better sentence structure will prevent the need of writing this again) as their career options, rather than opting for arts (Rephrase: During the last two decades, the number of science and business jobs along with salaries have increased tremendously (collocation) and this has diverted the younger generation from arts to science careers.). This has led to decreased interest and loss of appreciation of arts of in the society as a whole. A recent survey conducted by a national daily newspaper in India found that the salary of doctors and engineers has increased by a whooping 2.5 times while those that (refers to salary) of artists has (maintain the same tense) decreased by 1.5 times over the last decade (Perfect example).

Moreover, decreased funding of subjects such as classical music and dance, literature and dramatics on the part of government has also contributed to dying interest of the community in the respective areas. (You have adequately explained why science, business are gaining importance over arts. No need to raise more points.)

To revive the focus of the society towards arts, it is imperative that the governments around the globe should invest extra funds in setting up art galleries and museums, (oxford comma) and advertise them aggressively through print and mass media. Secondly, students at primary and higher secondary school levels should be encouraged to take up classical (violates parallelism. Discuss with me. Please go through the article on PARALLELISM) music, painting and dramatics drama as their optional subjects to keep their interest alive and prevent the local cultures from dying out. Furthermore, prominent press coverage of events related to arts art related events such as award ceremonies needs to be done to create curiosity among the citizens. This should also be accompanied by initiatives such as awarding the budding artists and increasing the reward money of prominent dignitaries in their respective areas to keep the interest of the society alive in arts. (A well structured paragraph that gives clear reasons. You can comfortably shave one of the above mentioned reasons to reduce the word count.)

To conclude, I would like to reaffirm that a large section of society is losing interest in arts due to monetary reasons and adequate measures such as those mentioned above (overuse of such as. Try ranging from. Please mention two measures) (ranging from government support for museums to promotion of music, dance and drama) are essential both at the individual and the government levels in order to keep the local traditions and cultures alive.

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