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IELTS Essay Correction: Continuous Rise in the World’s Population.

The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

World population has proliferated over the last few decades which has put all humankind’s the humanity in trouble. Illiteracy, definitely, is the root cause of all these problems ranging from scarcity of water to the increasing demand of land (the question never asks for any explanation to scarcity of water or increasing demand for land.). I agree that it is this is the biggest challenge faced by human beings because it is not only effecting affecting them but also creating trouble for the animals. (You can be more specific in this sentence: )

Undoubtedly, human population has increased immensely within a few decades; and, illiteracy is the major cause for this rise. However, it can be distinguished in two ways: one, when a person is not educated enough to understand that how population control can save earth or how this growth in human numbers has adversely effected it (shoot the sentence straight and do not raise a question “how”: Due to lack of literacy many people fail to understand that population increase leads to over-use of earth’s natural resources. There are individuals who are literate and aware of climate change. However, they are more concerned about …..). Second, when though they are aware of climate change, (use though X, Y construction to express contrast) but they are least bothered and concentrate on increasing their population with a radical belief that their community will extinct if they stop breeding; consequence is the 8 billion world population with a threat of total damage to the mankindConsequently, the world population has exceeded 9 billion and this threatens the survival/ existance of mankind.

Definitely, such illogical beliefs have created concerns for all of us. For instance, ozone layer, gradually, is getting thinner (is gradually getting thinner Gradually is an adverb that should be directly linked with a verb. Gradual is an adjective.), due to which ultraviolet rays of sun directly hit the Earth’s surface (whose surface?) and cause many deadly diseases such as cancer (This sentence stands well on all metrics except TASK RESPONSE. I can’t see “problems caused by population”.). Most importantly, increased demand of land and water due to global population has doubled the requirement (of what? Pleace requirement next to land and water: Most importantly, the increasing global population has doubled the requirement for land and water. This has created water scarcity in almost all parts of the world from New Delhi to New York.), which is difficult to cope and fulfil because natural resources are already getting scarce from the ground. Since land requirement is high because of extreme population demand, encroachment in forests and natural water bodies is under severe threat (encroachment is not under threat.).

To recapitulate, globally, population is increasing massively, which has risen caused (given rise to) many problems. Due to which this (both which and this are used as referencing words. However, which is used to refer to a noun in the same sentence while this has power to refer to a noun in the previous sentence.) not only humans but wild animals are also under threat of survival because they equally belong to this planet, however, it is our responsibility to preserve and protect it (this pronoun doesnot refer to any noun.) by controlling our population.

Bands = 6.5. Discuss the issues with me.

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