Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Senior Management Professionals Have High Salaries.

Some people think it is a good thing for senior management professionals to have higher salaries as compared to other workers of the same company. To what extent do you agree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please go through a sample answer on a similar question HERE.

Answer:

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It is thought by some people (Prefer active voice: Some people think …..) that high ranked executives to should have very high payouts as compared to their industrious co-workers who are striving strive (use Simple Present tense) to make their firm prosperous by leaps and bounds. It is an ambiguous topic, inviting an array of positive as well as negative argumentators(The question seeks your opinion. Write it. Moreover, ambiguous topicargumentators make little sense. )

Furthermore (Can’t start a paragraph with furthermore), advocating the issue (who is advocating the issue? Since you’ve written this as a modifier, it needs a NOUN/ PRONOUN. For instance: …….. advocating this issue, I believe ……. Discuss with me in detail.), discrepancy in salaries is justified to some extent (Do not give your opinion in body paragraph 1. Reserve it for the introduction). Most employees (directors are already at board level) directors have spent spend (simple present tense) their working lives developing the skills and experience to be eligible for the a board level post. They have earned earn that position by burning midnight oil (please be more specific to score higher bands. They earn that position by working hard and by generating profits for their companies year after year.). The Their (To use the there must be a specific company mentioned earlier.) company pays them hefty pay-ups (remuneration/ salaries) as they bring significant net benefits to the company’s shareholders as compared to the co-workers recruited at lower levels (Wrong comparison: You’re comparing “benefits to company’s shareholders” with “coworkers”. Please adjust the sentence structure. Their company pays them hefty salaries as compared to the subordinates since they bring significant net profit for the company’s shareholders.). Albeit Although it is true that due to the hardwork of labour class any company flourishes, (a comma here) but (Construction: Although X, Y) the sharp farsightedness of privilege class (this is not a synonym for executives) senior employees brings ideas into practice.

Alternatively, many a times this pay gaps gap brings differences between the employees, giving birth to malpractices and agitations by employee unions the union parties. The closure of Maruti Suzuki unit in haryana is the quintessential example. (Whether you need to write this or not depends on your opinion that needs to be stated in the introduction. Discuss with me.)

To recapitulate, it should be the responsibility of the employer to create a healthy working environment among the workforce. Though remuneration gap will always be there among white-collared and blue-collared jobs but providing extra perks to middle level workers can bring equilibrium (Equilibrium is a vague word that conveys little meaning. Please be more specific in your ideas: … providing perks to middle level workrs will not only motivate them to work hard but also reduce frustration and bring equality among employees.).

A number of issues ranging from lack of proper task response to inadequate cohesion. You need to work on your grammar as well.

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