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IELTS Essay Corrections: The Internet Connects us Yet Isolates us.

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The internet allows us to stay connected with each other no matter where we are. On the other hand, it also isolates us and encourages people not to socialise. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these statements?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Over usage (usage = how something is used) of online networking has always been a societal issue of discussion. Although, it is a wide platform which permits individual to stay connected with people around the world, it has majorly severly fragmented relationships; hence, led him and has strongly contributed to social isolation. (Will be better if you mention how the internet has contributed to social isolation. Moreover, please mention your opinion clearly. “I believe ….”)

Undoubtedly, invention of the internet has brought noticeable change in communication mediums. Geographical distances are mere talk of the bygone era; and, because of the connectivity via the web (refers to the internet, must use article the), people can talk anywhere they wish. Furthermore, numerous social sites such as Facebook and whatsapp give a fair opportunity to know other people of different background. Similarly, a considerable leap in businesses due to the internet has changed the way people used to do (carry out) trading with other countries. Meetings with foreign delegates through Skype has have opened unending options to broaden the horizon of their work. (A well structured paragraph and well-written sentences. I’m only concerned about task response. Is this explaining your opinion? This is not a “discuss both views essay”.)

Despite all these merits, the Internet has led people to social isolation. This is because, over dependency on online sites has increased for (????) communication purposes, which has forced them to stay glued with their electronic devices all the time. As a result, they have become unsocial because face-to-face interaction is no more valuable to them; and, it is replaced by texting, chatting, and virtual friends. Now, it is crucial to have a good connection service in our electronic gadgets in order to stay in touch with friends. However, this illusionary belief of widening social circle is separating us from society because it is extremely important to meet people as it gives us first hand experience of meeting and learning social etiquettes (please note that the reason given is not explaining the idea. The reason given is not for “how it is separating us from society“. The reason is “Why it is important to be social.”). In a survey, recently, it was claimed that 54 percent teens were involved in texting and chatting (….. 54 percent teens prefer texting and chatting than spending time with an elder family member or with a younger sibling.). It is a disturbing growth development because we should know the importance of meeting people personally because it meeting people personally strengthens relationships and give us a chance to extend our social web circle.

To recapitulate, although communication via the internet is convenient, we should know the limitation of using it. School friends and families should not be neglected for the sake of virtual friends.

The essay is well written. Several minor issues along with a few major ones need to be rectified. Good attempt! 

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