Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Continued Rise in World’s Population.

The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

They say that the rising population on the earth is getting more crucial (an issue can be crucial, but population can’t be) nowadays so this is the biggest issue at the present days (nowadays = present days. Repetition.). Of course I know that (No need to state this. Your sentence is still complete.) the reasons of this problem are not so simple because it depends on the present states of the regions. However, I think the lack of knowledge (is this the reason for increase in population? If yes, write it.) is one of the most problematic things to be solved. I admit that the keeping increase increasing of world population is the biggest problem (You’ve mentioned this in the first sentence as well: “biggest issue”) for human nature, but I also believe that it can be solved if you find what is the main matter (instead of writing this, mention the “main matter”) and work harder for solving it (Please mention how “working harder” will solve this issue).

Let me write a sample introduction to explain the elements of a good introduction: The rising population of the Earth is becoming a crucial issue these days. The reasons behind this phenomenon are complex and vary from one region to another. However, it is primarily due to lack of knowledge about benefits of family planning. I believe the issue can be solved if governments impart information about need for family control and provides incentives for the same. 

While writing an introduction, please keep in mind the following elements:

  1. The introduction is about 50 to 70 words long.
  2. It should MENTION everything that you plan to EXPLAIN in the body paragraphs.
  3. It should be SPECIFIC in nature, not GENERAL or vague.
  4. Do not repeat any ideas.

Body Paragraph 1:

(1) The main problems resulted resulting (Please use the Present Tense) from the continued (continuous) (both continued and continuous are adjectives that mention quality of rise.) rise in population are the lack of lands to live, the lack of food/drink to consume and the environmental pollution. (2) It is sure that Evidently/ Undoubtedly, the more the population grows, the fewer the proportion of places and groceries per a (per = a = one) person. (3) In a poor area in Africa, it is said a recent report has claimed, that a hundred people is getting to be died die every year (Please use Simple Present Tense – not continuous tense) due to the lack of food resulted resulting from the rising population.

Note about sentence (3): This is an example. Please use For example to begin an example. This is an excellent connecting word that increases cohesion in an essay and helps you score more bands. Please note that an introduction should contain DATA and FACTS. Ideally, these should come from a REPORT. Please write “a recent report has claimed/ revealed” instead of “it is said”. Moreover, try to be more specific – “is getting to be died” makes no sense. Simply write “die every year” – not only is this simple but also contains data (every year). 

(4) Or (do not begin a sentence with “Or”. Prefer a connecting word MOREOVER. This word connects previous sentence with next sentence and creates cohesion in the essay. This fetches more bands.) Moreover, I hear the news that the international city Hong Kong Hong Kong, an international city, is now faced facing with the a serious air pollution which is resulted by the increase of the CO2 in carbon dioxide (“Increase in” vs “Increase of” – please check in a dictionary and dicuss with me. Please do not use abbreviated forms CO2 in the exam.) emission from a lot of cars and people. (5) Therefore it can be said that the keeping consistent/ regular/ continuous rise in population around the world is the most fundamental problem for us although the content of the extent of (use only one THE) problem is different between in different regions ( … the extent of problem varies from one region to another).

A number of issues in the paragraph above. Please note them carefully and avoid repeating them. Please feel free to discuss any of them in detail with me.

Important Note: This paragraph should ideally be devoted to answering the first question: What are the causes of this continuous rise? You’ve answered “the problems due to population increase.”

Body Paragraph 2:

Although it is true that the kinds of those problems extent of population problem depend on the regions and situations, in a mean (makes no sense), the main (principal) reason of the constantly rising population (constant rise in population) is the same. In short, most people are do not care about these problems this problem (there’s only one problem – population) or they do not have chance to know what is the problem and how to control the population by themselves. If they can get the correct information about not only how to avoid bearing too many children but also how to solve the big problems actually involving them (this is too vague. What do you mean by “big problems”? This is not clear. IELTS gives higher bands for writing specific answers. Not vague, general information) benefit from a small family, this issue will be solved much better.

To conclude, I agree with the statement that we are now faced with the huge problems resulted from the continued raising population. However, I think this issue can be solved in the future if the circumstances to learn how to handle it around the world are got higher for all over the world.

Please note that a conclusion should be a PARAPHRASING of the essay’s summary. Not only should you write “huge problems” but also mention them. For instance, your first sentence should be: To conclude, I agree that continuous increase in human population is the biggest problem for humanity (mention the topic/ idea) as/ since (connectors that link idea to reasons) it is leading to a number of issues ranging from pollution to pressure on land. (please note the use of as, since, ranging from X to Y to create cohesion in the answer.)

The second sentence should be clear in terms of ideas. The sentence you wrote was too vague.: However, these issues can be effectively tackled if geovernments provide proper information about family planning and family control.

Follow this blog for more such exciting IELTS and PTE essays and like our Facebook Page. Let’s crack English language exams. You can contact us here.

Apply for Canada Student Visa!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s