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IELTS Essay Correction: Debt by Buying Things Not Needed.

Some people get into debt by buying things they do not need and can not afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What actions can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.


They say that some people have a problem of buying things excessively regardless of their capability to pay for. I think such behaviour is basically triggered from their stressful daily life, which tends to give them high pressure (stress = pressure. These two clauses have the same meaning.) creates an urge to find satifaction by purchasing products. To avoid this problem, as per my observation (no need to write this since you’ve already written “I think”.), it is better to find your own way to reduce the stress by doing playing sports, cooking food, eating healthy items or talking with friends (parallelism violation. Read below.) not by rather than (There is a contrast between two statements here. Use rather than to express it properly.) buying things impulsively even if shopping is one of effective ways to escape from the stressful life instantly.

Parallelism is a respected principle in the English language. This is just one case. For more, please read THIS ARTICLE. Basically, all the items separated by COMMA should be parallel. That is, if one is a verb, all others should be verbs. If one is an adjective, all others should be adjective.

playing (v) sports (n), cooking (v) food (n), reading (v) books (n), and talking (v) to friends (n).

It is true for some people that shopping has an effect of getting satisfaction and releasing the stress. I think that the endless whimsical behaviour to buy extra things by borrowing money and borrow money to buy them is caused by this psychological effect. And this mentality seems to be responsible for a modern stressful (when stress leads to shopping which leads to more stress, better write: However, this has the opposite effect of increasing the stress. The use of HOWEVER shows that the effect is opposite of the intention.) life. Some reduce the stress and pressure by purchasing something even if they do not need it or afford to buy it (You’ve repeated the same idea in different words. Please use this space to EXPLAIN the reasons.). Although such habit might be one of the effective means to lighten the pressure from their daily life, it is absolutely not a sustainable way and could be a burden for them in a the long term.

Of course it is hard to overcome this issue because this is concerned crucially with not only personal mental disposition but also the surrounding environment. However, I believe that they (A pronoun must refer to a noun. There’s no noun for this pronoun.) can deal with the problem much better by changing their way (reaction/ response) to reduce the stress. For instance, enjoying some habits like such as playing sports (running, swimming, exercises) (do not use brackets in the exam. Moreover, these three violate the rules of parallelism) , exercising, running, swimming, making/eating (Write any one.) some dishes, and talking discursively with their (a pronoun must refer to a noun. There is no noun for this pronoun.) friends is really efficacious to reduce the stress healthily. If they can prevent themselves from shopping whimsically and replace their approach for reducing daily pressure to these healthy activities, the psychological matter will be improved. (Understand the pronoun usage: You can’t use a pronoun unless it has a NOUN to refer back to. This is an often neglected but serious grammatical mistake.)

To recapitulate, a mental condition of indulging to buy things regardless of the price and the affordability is mainly caused by the stressful modern life. Although it can be one of the effective ways to reduce their stress, this behaviour is not sustainable and it must not is unlikely make their mental/monetary condition better. Therefore, the best way to solve this problem is to find the wholesome and adequate way to release the stress and pressure. (The conclusion is well-written.)

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