Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Learning About Local History More Important Than World History.

Some people believe that for children learning about the local history is more important than knowing the World history. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

These days, the a number of people believes believe (note: A number of X is NOT singular. “Number” can be singular, but the phrase is plural in nature. On the other hand, The number of X is singular) that the world history is more necessary for children to learn than the local history for expanding the perspective from narrower one to wider one (expansion is always from narrow to wide.). I basically agree with this statement, however, I also think that learning the local history is still important (You can write more concisely: I believe that learning local and world history are equally important ……) for children because they could have their responsibility for the birth place, living place and themselves by understanding what has happened in their country and living area.

Many people believe that you a student (avoid writing pronouns you and we without a subject to refer back to.) cannot gain the global perspective without learning about the huge range of subjects concerning about all over about various parts of the world, and they tend to regard the local history as an unimportant subject. In reality, according to the a recent survey done by the division of Culture in Japan, the number of students (this is singular. Please see the note above.) who selected the world history as a subject for learning in high school is getting higher than gradually increasing as compared to the ones who selected the local history (word repetition: high, higher). As many people think, it is actually an effective way for achieving the new worldwide perspectives by learning the world history. (This paragraph does not explain “why learning world history is important.” You’ve just stated that learning world history is important. But WHY?)

Sample Paragraph: Learning world history is important since, in a globalised world, a student should have some idea about the events that shaped various nations and cultures. A Japanese student, for instance, may choose to work in the United Kingdom in the future. To interact with the natives it is imperative to understand the events that shaped Britain. Moreover, a student should understand how global events shaped their own country. For example, an Indian student should have a knowhow of how the French and the Russian revolutions shaped his country. (Two ideas expressed in one paragraph. Both ideas expressed in one sentence with one example for each. Not the underlined cohesive devices.)

However, I definitely do not think that the local history is not so essential as the world history because of the reasons below (Please write a positive sentence – devoid of NOT: However, I definitely think that the local history is as important as the world history.). First, children cannot have their deep conscious of deep attachment (or bond) with their living place without knowledge of the local history. By knowing what has happened in their place and thinking what the history means for local people, children can have responsibility for the local place and of course for themselves as well. Moreover, the local history is not a small subject even if the country has does not have a long history or the place is not so gigantic because every place has a particular history and has connected with other places all over the world in a way (this sentence fails to explain “Why a student should study local history”. Give an example instead: A cultural study in Japan has revealed that those Japanese students who have some idea of local history are more attached to their place of birth and feel more patriotic than those who have no idea. Consequently, the government has launched programs to make youngsters aware of their own history.).

To conclude, I admit the statement that the world history gives children a herculean deep (Herculian is always used in context of a problem. There’s a story behind the guy Hercules. Its a short story. Go through it on the wikipedia and you’ll understand the use of this word.) insight about the global world, however, I think the importance of learning the local history should be considered. The local history is not a tiny subject, but has a huge possibility to give children the responsibility for the local place and themselves.

The essay can be made more specific (IELTS people don’t like vague ideas). Please maintain task response by answering the question adequately.

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