Some people believe that children’s success in adulthood is related to the way they have been raised by their parents. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Please read the sample answer to this January 2018 IELTS Essay.
A large majority of people believe that the future success of children depends largely upon the quality of upbringing that they receive from their parents. I strongly agree with this statement since, parents’ support is not only essential in instilling a moral element in children’s character, but
is also (parallelism) required for their proper psychological and behavioral development. (Excellent introduction!)
Since the ancient period, it
is has been (Since refers to something that continues from past to present. Correct tense = past perfect or past perfect continuous) upheld that there is a huge impact of both father’s and mother’s personalities upon the character building and, thus, the future success of a child. Therefore, it is important that parents must devote some quality time with their children to reinforce the academic knowledge and moral education that their children have learned at their (the first their refers to parents, the second their refers to children.) school. A pilot study conducted by the Delhi university revealed that the children who excelled in higher secondary education and in graduation, received an average attention of two hours or more from their parents after their schooling hours, which boosted their performance tremendously. (A well-constructed example.)
Moreover, children sometimes do not receive adequate time from their parents either due to their estranged relationship or due to their long working hours (Who is their? Children or parents? One pronoun can’t refer to two nouns in the same stem.). These children are not only at increased risk of developing psychological or behavioral personality disorders, but also at high risk of falling
a prey to drug addiction and juvenile crimes. Thus, a healthy upbringing of a child by the parents is the key to prevention from these traits protection from these evils and ensures a healthy career for the child in adulthood.
To conclude, I would like to reaffirm that a healthy relationship between the child and the parents, which is brought about by
their (misplaced pronoun) quality upbringing, (this has to be a modifier) is essential for the future success of the child. Such parenting would help not only help in shaping a healthy career for an individual, but also in preparing a healthy society in a long run.
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