Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Computers Replacing People – 4.

computer IELTS PTE

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As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing people at more and more jobs. What are some job positions that may be lost because of computers? What are some problems that may result from this situation? 

I wrote a sample answer to this question in August 2017. Please go through it HERE.

ANSWER:

These days, computer technology is tremendously developed and already is being utilized for a wide range of fields purposes (in a wide range of fields) such as systems for money and human (I don’t think human transactions are possible) transactions, transporting, and advertisement (Parallelism violation. While system for money transaction is a clause, transporting is a verb and advertisement is a noun. Let us make them parallel by adding nouns only: such as transactions, transportation and advertisement.). As many people have are anxious about it, computer will substitute for much more manual labors than before (Many people are anxious that computers will substitute manual labour and render people jobless.). It can be expected especially for the simple works which do not need for a peculiar technique by human being human intelligence. This situation will bring not only the crucial lack of works but also the extinction of the traditional culture that has been handed down from person to person (one generation to another).

The structure of introduction is good. It adequately introduces the topic and mentions issues related to the two questions (jobs lost and problems that may result).

The future vision of freeing from work and routine by using (if you do not use the verb using it seems as if the work and routine are caused by computers. Please reread your sentence and discuss with me, if needed.) advanced computer technology is not so filled with a lot of fun, because it means that the same amount of work are is replaced by computers and a lot of workers could can (will) lose their positions. Even to date, computers has have substituted for (no need of a preposition) a huge range of works such as signal men in transportation system and telephone connectors (please use such as with the NOUN it exemplifies. Here it gives examples of WORKS and not “a few decades ago”.) which existed a few decades before ago (a few years ago) such as signal men in transportation system, telephone connectors, and so on. The more precise the technology of computer is developed, the more people will lose their position in the future. Especially, computers could substitute for the work without any creative thoughts or high quality of technique just driven by as accomplished by using a human hand.

The paragraph scores well on task response. Need to make a few grammatical alterations.

The main troubles triggered by introducing a computer system to the society is are not only the lack of labor loss of jobs (loss of employment) (lack of labour fails to express your idea adequately. Lexical resources score falls.) but also the decrease of the traditional human-made works. According to the report written by Japanese famous ethnologist Muneyoshi Yanagi, the number of manufacturers who can make traditional hand made pottery called “Tatarou-yaki” is  awfully decreasing because of the big enormous (huge) (avoid low band words such as big) economical economic impact by of the computer mass production system (A well-constructed example. Adequate on facts that are specific and topic related. Good job!). He added that this situation could bring herculean damage to the Japanese culture that can be conserved only by human hands. Computer technology brings us useful systems and cheaper goods, however, it can be a dangerous factor which decrease the job opportunity and drive the traditional culture into being on the verge of extinction. (This sentence is a repetition of the first sentence of this paragraph. Please do not repeat ideas.)

While it is true that the computer technology can be helpful for the people who have many burdens in the daily life, it means that the computer it (it refers to the computer technology. Use pronouns as referencing words to increase cohesion.) will rob the work opportunities of human beings. It will substitute for the monotonous works that seem to be non-creative and non-imaginative. Moreover, as a negative impact from computer mass production system, the traditional cultures that are kept by human hands are facing crucial imminent (immediate) extinction (extinction can’t be crucial.)(Note: Please maintain the same tense in this paragraph – present or future. This seems more logical. You can re-write the last sentence as: Moreover, it will negatively impact the traditional cultures and human heritage by replacing human skill with a mass production system.)

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