IELTS Essay Correction: Increasing Business and Cultural Contact Between Countries.

Some people think increasing business and cultural contact between countries brings many positive effect. Others say it causes the loss of national identities. Discuss on both sides and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In this era of globalisation, world is considered to be a global village as trade, tourism aspect (Incomplete sentence.). International business opportunity and cultural exchange will surely bring both positive and, as well as negative impact. This essay delves both the views and express my opinion. (Please MENTION the positive and negative impacts that you plan to discuss in the body paragraphs.)

I believe that their there is a positive outcomes outcome of cross cultural activities and international trade Immense have . These have immensely helped citizens to purchase and sell their (whose products? Their does not refer to any noun.) products at competetive prices. (You’ve raised an idea but not explained it. This will reduce your score.) For Instance, some a research shows that crop grown in a distant village and dresses designed by a rural labour have got the world market (OR have ample opportunities throughout the world) and this has helped to fight the most vicious problem of hunger in the world hunger. Furthermore, people are hatred hated within their homeland and this is one of the significant propoganda (Whose propaganda? The sentence is incomplete in idea. A poorly expressed idea will cost you bands. Sample sentence: Furthermore, people of a specific religion are hated in different countries merely due to lack of cultural understanding (IDEA). People are mostly aware of their own culture and are suspicious of people who follow different cultural practices (EXPLANATION).). For example, enormous of muslim countries muslims have a negative image in the vision of western people (This sentence is too short and this is not an example. For instance, a survey in the United States revealed that more than 50 percent whites view muslim immigrants suspiciously merely because they do not understand muslim cultural practices such as ……..). Therefore, it can be resolved only by cultural contact. not only….but also, they are all apart from their religious and cultural diffrences. Inspite of creating such issues and problems, every citizens should resolve their his (every = singular. Use a singular pronoun.) conflicts (Which conflicts?) and this can be done by cultural contact between nations and it can be inferred by cultural contact and can maintain the world peace. (There was absolutely no need to write the last sentence.) You should have followed the following structure:

Sentence 1: Idea 1 – benefits of international trade.

Sentence 2: Explain idea 1 – benefits of international trade.

Sentence 3: Idea 2 – benefits of cultural interaction.

Sentence 4: Explain idea 2 – benefits of cultural interaction.

Sentence 5: An Example.

However, on the flip side, in this global era, people are worried about the cultural exchange and international trade. They are right to some extent, but I personally believe (This is not the place for your opinion. Please write the OTHER view here.) that, if people is exchanging culture, It will not diminish their own culture. Rather than it would enrich their own culture. (Please write 4 to 5 sentences on HOW THIS WILL LEAD TO LOSS OF IDENTITY. Follow the structure mentioned above. Otherwise, your band score will fall tremendously.)

To conclude ,in my opinion, I would consider both the sides and would say that (no need to write this) protecting our own culture and tradition would depend depends on us. It would not harmed our cultural contact and business realtion Internationally. (You could have used THOUGH construction: In conclusion, though cultual contact and international business can dilute local culture to some extent, I believe that they are extremely beneficial in the long run. Write one more sentence to explain this.) National Identities will represented by its citizen. (The conclusion in this essay was meant to explain YOUR OPINION. You’ve not expressed it well.)

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