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IELTS Essay Correction: Punishment Necessary to Learn Distinction Between Right and Wrong.

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

Please go through the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

Nowadays, the upbringing of children is a challenging situation task (A situation is particularly short-term. A task can be long term as well.). It is crucial to learn teach them at a young age (instead of early since its meaning is not clear) how to differentiate between right and wrong early. Some people think that punishment is necessary to make them behaving behave well. This essay disagrees with that I disagree with this (the question is “do YOU agree ….”) because penalty may make them more rebellious and taking consequences (this is not clear. Please explain.) is better in a discipline. (Rephrase the last sentence: I disagree with this since punishment makes them more rebellious and there are better ways to teach such as counselling sessions.)

In the past, a punishment was a popular way of discipline that parents & and teachers were dependent on during nurturing their kids. It was thought that this way will let make/ force them to obey their commands and behaving well (One pronoun can refer to one noun only. Them refers to children while their refers to parents. Please use this category of pronouns for one noun only. Rephrase: It was thought that this would force them to obey the commands of elders and teach them how to behave well.) (Note: Violation of parallelism. “It was thought that this will” – 2 things: 1. Make them obey; 2. teach them how to behave. Writing “behaving” will violate parallelism. Discuss with me, if needed.). However, a physical and verbal penalty may lead to a detrimental effect on children‘s personalities which will let them to be make them more rebellious. (before moving to the next point, please explain the previous point. MENTION an idea and EXPLAIN it. Sample: However, physical and verbal penalties may have detrimental effects on children’s personalities and this may make them rebellious (MENTION). Psychologists have found that these children often refuse to listen to an elder and they indulge in anti-social activities (EXPLAIN).)

Moreover, they will try to confirm that they can have their own judgement (this idea makes little sense. Please discuss with me.) whether right or wrong which may affect them badly. For instance, a recent study showed that there is a link between increasing the criminal rate between adolescents and their punishment (link between X and Y. … link between the increasing crime rate (X) and punishment criminals received during childhood (Y).) when they were kids.

Nowadays, taking consequences (what do you mean by consequences?) responsibility is an alternative way of punishment and is making a good balance in nurture to avoid neither harassment nor over and spoiling (Use any one: avoid OR Neither ….. nor …..). Every kid should be learnt taught what is the right and the wrong and leave him to take the consequence responsibility for his work if he did something wrongly wrong. For example, if he broke a glass or a dish, he has to clean what he did. By consequence, this will learn teaches him how to be more responsible (A), dependable (B) and has a strong productive personal (C) (violates parallelism. A, B and C should be parallel. …. teaches him how to be more responsible (adjective), dependable (adjective) and productive (adjective).).

In conclusion, punishment is not an effective method to a kid to be more successful in his life, because it will lead to more rebilliotion rebellious nature and being responsible for his actions is a better alternative way.

Some changes needed in conclusion. However, you first need to address the issues of parallelism, lack of explanation of ideas, pronouns, wrong words (learn vs teach).

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