Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Sports Played in Teams are Better Than Individual Sports.

Some people think that sports played in teams are better than individual sports. Others don’t think so. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, playing sports is a crucial thing in our life to keep ourself healthier and more fit. Some individuals argue that team sports is are (OR playing team sports is …) more beneficial than solo-sports while others are against that opinion. I agree with the latter view as it is more motivating than the former one. (The introduction would have been better if you had mentioned the reasons supporting each opinion. Sample: )

Team sports such as football, and basketball depend mainly on teamwork and cooperation to reach the goal of the team. Therefore, it carries they carry (subject = team sports = plural.) a lot of benefits in building positive personalities of the players. To clarify, some players should sacrifice by their own opportunities to be famous to reach the goal of whole team in winning the game so that team’s goals can be accomplished. (Please give an example. For instance, in the game of football, every player needs to completely trust other team members and pass the football to achieve the team’s target of scoring a goal.) Moreover, (this is not a new point. It is a continuation of the previous point – positive personalities. Can’t use MOREOVER. Prefer THIS.) This builds the skill of working in a group will be developed markedly in those players which will be which is advantageous to them later in their life. For instance, a study was done in Cambridge University showed that over than 50% of individuals who were playing team sports became successful and effective team-leaders in their work (professional life).

Though this paragraph is fine, you need to finetune and write a more precise structure.

  1. Sentence 1: IDEA
  2. Sentence 2: Explanation of idea.
  3. Sentence 3: Further explanation of the idea.
  4. Sentence 4: Example.
  5. Sentence 5: Example further explained.

You can rewrite the ideas expressed in this paragraph and send me the response.

On the other hand, solo-sports like tennis and swimming carry more privileges to the individual because it is they are more motivating and challenging (IDEA = Motivating and challenging). The talent of a person is easily discovered by that these kind of sports and can motivate him to do his best to strengthen it (IDEA not explained. Use this sentence to explain HOW it is motivating and challenging. Since a player relies of his capabilities alone without any support from another player, these sports bring out the competitive (challenging) spirit in the player. Also, it is extremely motivating because any achievement is of a single player alone and it is not shared with anyone.).

Moreover, weak points in the game can be discovered and be worked on to be solved which will have a positive influence on his personality (Do you mean cooperative games do not offer an opportunity to study weak points?). In such a condition, many talented sporters players will hit the world records during sports competition and encourage others to follow their steps. For example, Rania Elwani who had win has won in many international swimming competitions preferred that solo-sport than any other kind of sports as it motivated her to continue in her success (You could have structured this example to suit your essay better: For example, Rania Elwani, who has won various international swimming events, attributes her success to individual nature of swimming that prevents any dependence on other team members.).

I agree with that opinion as it discovers more human powers in the sports world. (You MUST explain your opinion. Write two sentences to explain it even if it is one of the opinion above. Ask me for advice if you’re unable to do this. But give it a try.)

To sum up, while games should be that are played in teams like football (this means football is a team. It is a sport. …. while games such as football that are played in a team are …..) is are beneficial for the morals regarding cooperation and patience. (While construction demands a COMMA. WHILE X, Y.) I think that individual sports has have more privileges regarding creating more talents in the sports world.

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