Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Large Number of Young Adults.

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situations outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Every stage of life from childhood to elder age has its own characteristics (This sentence lacks context with the essay. Opening sentence must be closely related to the topic. If you mention characteristics, please mention the characteristics in the following sentences.). In many countries, the number of younger generations youngsters (number can’t be of generations but of people.) exceeds that of older ones (“Number of Apples are more than oranges” – no need of that of). This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this point.

This is an opinion question “Do the …….”. Mention your opinion here.

(Rephrase using your ideas: In many countries, the number of youngsters exceeds the elderly due to high birth rate. I think that while this has several advantages such as more human resource for economic development, better work efficiency and greater taxes, this has few disadvantages ranging from lack of experience to run institutions to fewer people to guide youngsters. – 53 words. Mention the points you plan to discuss in the body paragraphs. Mention your opinion.)

Many people believe that youth represents the strongest manpower of any nation due to many reasons. Firstly, they it (youth is a collective noun. It is singular. Use a singular pronoun.) occupy occupies the main sector of the workforce. (Do not move to the next point without explaining the previous point. Write two advantages only. But explain them well. Firstly, it occupies the emerging and core sectors of the economy (IDEA). Only youngsters can work in technologically emerging sectors such as communications, computers, information technology and artificial intelligence. Also, they are the ones who can accomplish tasks in core sectors such as construction, steel and manufacturing since these require physical hard work (EXPLANATION in 2 sentences). Secondly, ……) Besides, young adults have fewer demands regards health problems (they can’t demand problems.), they are supposed to work efficiently with less absence due to illnesses (this is a bit strange since “due to illness” seems to refer to “work efficiently”.) for instance. (Secondly, young adults have fewer health problems than old people and, consequently, are able to work more efficiently (IDEA). For instance, while the elderly suffer from various physical problems such as blood pressure that restrict their ability to focus and work efficiently, the youth is free from such encumbrances (EXPLANATION in 1 sentence).) Also working young adult members are taxes providers that support national projects to help other members of their society. Finally, in general, government does not have to pay extra financial expenses to support younger people. The ideas are fine. However, you need to explain the ideas to score well in the exam.

On the other hand, argument regards regarding a decreased number of older people can be raised (The question is not about a decreased number, it is about advantages and disadvantages. Context issues.). Older generations have many (missing noun. Many what?) to do on both individual and society levels. They represent the role models and wise figures for younger population (How? Explain.). In addition, they have much experience in different aspects of life and can face a lot of troubles wisely in comparison to younger generations (How? Explain). A nation with diminished older generations would lack a lot of experience in different vital governmental vital positions, for example, administrative posts. Another important issue is that decreased number of older populations people can reflect a poor health status and a higher mortality rates (Is this a disadvantage?)(NOTE: Please write only 2 disadvantages. Explain both with at least one explanatory sentence.)

In conclusion, young adults can be more productive and energetic, but on the other hand, elderly are the ones with more experience and wisdom and can carry out different mission perfectly. I believe that the disadvantages of exceeding numbers of young adults relatively to older ones outweigh the advantages. (Should have stated the opinion in the introduction.)

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