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IELTS Essay Correction: Average Weight of People Increasing.

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Obesity has been an increasing problem worldwide in the recent years and this has had a negative impact on people’s health and fitness. In this essay, we (the pronoun WE does not refer to any noun.) are going to discuss some of the causes for this and put forth some suggestions to help to solve this issue. (It is better if you MENTION the causes and suggestions. Obesity is primarily caused due to over-eating and sedentry lifestyle. It can be solved by …..)

One major cause for the increasing percentage of overweight people is the sedentary lifestyle (well-written. Good job!). People tend to sit more at home or in front of TV television screens and do less physical exercise than people in the past used to do (You’ve mentioned and explained the point.). To overcome this, more awareness should be raised about the bad (adverse) effects this could can (could is past form of can) have on health and government should try to encourage people at home or students at schools to do more physical activity such as playing football and going to a gym(You’ve used AND as a connecting device to connect two different ideas. Consequently, both ideas should have their own subjects. The first sentence is a passive voice that does not need a subject. The second idea is an active voice. It needs a subject.)

The idea and solution are well mentioned and explained. However, there is a scope to explain the solution a bit more with a suitable example. 

Another important aspect is eating unhealthy food, that is food with high fat content, salty food and sugary food that contains excess fat, salts, and sugar (over-repetition of word food). All these high-calorie foods increase weight dramatically. (You’ve mentioned the idea. However, it should be explained with one more sentence before switching to the solution. These foods also cause various health issues ranging from diabetes to hypertension that increases medical costs while reducing work productivity.) Therefore, the use of more healthier and nutritious food such as fruits and vegetables should be encouraged in all age groups. Those are diets with more vegetables and fruits. One idea would be to open more restaurants serving healthy foods and also to make healthy food more available and more appealing at workplaces, schools, and universities. (Solution well mentioned and explained.)

Moreover, the increase in the individual income in some countries may be another cause of the increase in food intake and hence contributing contribute to obesity. (Please explain the idea in one more sentence: A study has revealed that as income of a person increases, his physical activity falls drastically and unhealthy restaurant food intake increases.) This is a matter of attitude and can only be solved by raising awareness about the negative impact of obesity on the body like the risk of developing hypertension and diabetes. (I believe this is not an independent point and its sentences should be integrated into the paragraphs above.)

To summarise, many factors have contributed to the increasing weight in some populations like (this gives examples of populations, not factors.) sedentary lifestyle, unhealthy food intake and increased per capita income (To summarise, increasing weight of people is due to several factors ranging from X to Y.). I believe this can be solved by increasing levels of physical activity, raising awareness about healthier diets and the risks of being overweight and obese on one’s health. (You can make your conclusion better by writing about FUTURE Use “If ….(present tense)…, then ….(future tense)… “. If people are healthy, a society will be more stable and medical costs will be lower. This will create economic prosperity and social stability.– discuss this part of conclusion with me. Try to implement this principle in other conclusions as well.

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