Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Encourage Teenagers to Have Part-Time Job.

Some countries encourage teenagers to have part time job and see that’s a good thing while others disagree. Give your opinion and Discuss both views.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Many nations around the world, particularly the developed ones, urge (motivate) adolescents to have a part-time work. Many people consider that it helps them cultivating cultivate (in cultivating) the skills skill of money management, while others believe it could be destructive since teenage students teenagers may consume addictive substances (how does part-time job lead to consumption of addictive substances? Please use a more logical reasons. … while others believe it could be destructive since teenagers may lose focus on education.). I stand agree with the former view. (The reason could have been written more logically. This will impact your task response score.)

Being a part-time worker, one learns how to manage money/ finance spending. Many students do not have the requisite knowledge of money management, because of their over-reliance on parents. Students workers who work part-time (“student workers” does not convey the idea clearly.) often save their hard earned money for higher education, rather than utilising spending it (When you utilize something, it is always constructive and never unnecessary.) for unnecessary purchases, since they are less likely to get sufficient funds from the family. For example, the youngsters in the UK save money which is obtained earned from their part-time job in order for gathering educational materials, such as textbooks, pens, pencils and so on. Thus, it is clearly obvious that part time adolescent workers master the skills of money management (You’ve written this in different words at the beginning of the paragraph. Please do not repeat it.)(Idea mentioned and explained well. Some wrong word choice and lack of clarity.)

On the other hand, some opponents people (whose opponents? Not clear.) feel that when young people engage in part-time work enjoy more freedom at work than at home (the question is not about more or less freedom. It is about part-time work or NO part-time work.), there is a tendency to get involved in bad groups company (wrong word choice) and use drugs. Teenagers would (use simple present tense) become more independent when having a job and also their salary can could be misused for addictive substances (write in active voice: … and they can misuse their salary), (no comma before such as) such as cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. For instance, a recent study by United Nations Children’s Education Fund (UNICEF) otherwise called UNICEF in the United States, juvenile delinquency among those who have a temporary job, rose significantly to 30 percent in 2017 (This does not explain that part-time job is not good for students. For instance, a recent study by the UNICEF in the United States found that students who work for part-time are 30 percent more likely to engage in illegal activities than those who focus only on studies.). From this, it is clear that part time job affects adversely upon young individuals(Do not repeat the ideas expressed in the first sentence.)

Having discussed both arguments, in my personal (my = personal) view, although teenagers’ enrollments in part-time job could create few problems, it helps in acquiring knowledge about monterey monetary management, which is of paramount importance in teenagers’ their future lives. As such, governments should encourage them to take part in part-time job. (Nice comparison of the two views to express your opinion.)

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