Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Government’s Responsibility to its Citizens.

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is imperative on (wrong use of word imperative. It means urgent, necessary. It is imperative that a government should take ……) a government to take full charge and make sure ensure the safety of its citizens. There is an opinion (The question is on YOUR opinion.) I opine/ believe/ think that due to increasing threats by terroristic challenges terrorist attacks all around the globe, it is difficult to ensure safety of social norms and (social norms seems strange.) human life. Therefore, (Do not use the words meant for conclusion of an argument in the introduction.) a government should devote major part of its budget for security purposes rather than for public welfare funds. I strongly agree with this statement. (Please combine the last two sentences to create a compound sentence: I believe that governments should devote a large proportion of budget for defending its citizens due to an increasing threat of terrorism from non-state actors in the last two decades.)

Modern era has brought many challenges and above all is the modern shape of terrorism use of modern technology by terrorists. Today, militant groups, by using latest technology and modern techniques, are able to mass massacre far more easily compared with as compared to a couple of decades ago. To cope with this emerging international issue, different countries are devising plans and relying investing heavily (task response) on in cutting-edge technology to respond to these stimuli challanges (wrong word choice: stimulus refers to something that excites OR invites actions) in a productive way. For instance, in 2013 the United Kingdom had (use Simple Past Tense.) cut a major part of roads’ funds and devoted it in making (purchasing) seventy drones to keep London under surveillance following ISIS threats and this step helped in capturing a group of terrorists. (The idea is clearly mentioned and explained. Some grammar, sentence structuring and lexical resource issues.)

Moreover, without surety of social physical security (Please note that social security is an umbrella term that refers to financial security as well as safety of the body.), no nation can grow in terms of social, economic, economical, educational and psychologiocal development. This is due to the reason that increasing rate of social crimes and growing cases of terroristic terrorist activities make people feel insecure about their lives, and restrict them to their homes, and prevent them from participating in social activities. For example, according to the Indian press, schools, universities, banks and bazars became remained vacant for about 6 months following the brutal Mumbai terroristic terrorist attacks of 2014 according to Indian press in 2014(This paragraph lacks task response. You’ve written this on security and threat of terrorism. However, there is no mention of BUDGETARY spending. Without this, your band scores will remain low.)

In conclusion, there is no doubt about the importance of public funds and their application to create different kinds of facilities for citizens. But the primary job of any government is to ensure people’s security. So, in my opinion no government should hesitate to prefer to aid give greater preference to social physical security services over other social benefits.

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