Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Some People Spend a Lot of Money Attending Cultural or Sports Events.

Some people spend a lot of money attending cultural or sports event. Is it a good or bad thing? Give your opinion and example from your own experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Please watch the video explaining this question HERE.

A large part of the world population had has a great taste in artistic, musical performances and sports shows, they really enjoy attend (enjoy = great taste. Repetition in the same sentence.) and this provides economic support for small and big talents (There are two ideas in this sentence which need to separated by “AND” and connected using a referencing word “THIS”. Explained in video.). Honestly, I think that people should never stop spending spend money in art and sports shows, otherwise youngsters would lose their self-esteem if nobody attended their performances. (Need some structural changes in the introduction. Explained in the video.)

The world we live in is a dynamic world with plenty of incredible artists and big sports champions (This is more of an introduction paragraph statement than of a body paragraph ). Humanity should contribute to the growth of these talents and economically support local competitions or important concerts. (Rephrase Idea 1: Contributing economically to sports and cultural events is essential for the survival of various artists and sportspersons. Now, explain how this helps in their survival.) Especially, parents have a fundamental role in the progress of their kids and have to put so much trust in them by investing part of their capital or/and attending their events (You’re limiting the scope of your explanation by limiting it to parents. Please explain “Why artists and sportspersons need financial assistance?” Sportspersons, who represent a region or country, and artists, who preserve the cultural heritage of a community, have no other way of earning their livelihood other than the patronage of the people.). In my personal experience, I would recommend, to all those young performers and little champions out in the world (This is more like a speech than a formal essay.), to fund-raising themselves and share their talent on the web (The question is not on fund-raising or the internet. Please restrict yourself to the EVENTS.). For instance, during my safari in Africa, I managed to have more than one million of followers on Instagram by sharing every single day many analogue pictures of wild animals, and at the end, I won a prize of £10.000 in a national contest. (The example lacks proper context with the essay. For instance, during my African safari, a few foreigners and I attended various cultural events of the Masai tribals in Kenya and financially supported the artists. I later learned that financial assistance from tourists has helped in the preservation of the indigenous culture.)

Governments should promote theatrical shows in their own cities by reducing entrance tickets to allow all kind of social classes to attend a sport event (This violates the question: Some people spend a LOT OF MONEY ….. Moreover, this is a suggestion. The question asks “whether this is a good thing or a bad thing?” You’re supposed to write reasons.). Definitely, there would will be a huge increase of spectators for promoting the show (and or ,) ? moreover, thousands of tourists would will visit the city and spend money in shops, restaurants, and hotels. Therefore, The the country would will flourish and have more economic incomes income (this is always economic) than ever and would be to sponsor important exhibitions and help local artists to become an international talent all over the world. (The sentence is badly structured. Let me write your ideas in different words while maintaining context. Use of “IF, THEN” clause. Explained in the video: Therefore, if people spend enough money in cultural and sports events, this will not only increase economic activity but also make local artists famous worldwide.)

To conclude, we live on the same planet, we have the same flesh and blood and we should thrive together by helping each other with no cultural or race distinctions to achieve our goals in life. (Are you planning to become a politician? Kidding! This is more of a political speech than the conclusion of an answer. Use the technique of paraphrasing.)

In conclusion, people should spend money on sports and cultural events regularly since it helps in economic survival of artists and preserve the heritage for the future generations.

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