Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Young Adults Should Undertake Unpaid Work to Help the Community.

It is suggested that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is generally believed that all young people should volunteer for involve in volunteerism especially in (any -ism is a philosophy. Keep things simple.) the community. It is argued (You have to state your opinion. If it is ARGUED, it is not your opinion.) that the merits of volunteering outweigh its demerits. (MENTION a few merits and at least one demerit. I believe that merits of THIS phenomenon are far more than demerits. While it helps in ….. and …… , it also leads to …….)

Unpaid work in the community enables youngsters to improve their knowledge. While doing THIS work (“This” builds cohesion and maintains context)young people have to interact with local people around, which helps them to maximize their knowledge about religion, culture, custom and history. For example, according to a survey by Harvard Medical University, those who are engaged in unpaid (maintain context) community work are more likely to extend their have wider cultural knowledge than others (“more X than Y”, “wider X than Y”) (Build better examples. Discuss with me.). In addition, volunteerism serving the community without any financial remuneration (rewards) (= unpaid work) minimizes social problems that are prevalent in many communities. This is because, workers should have to identify people’s problems that they face in their neighborhoods as a part of their job (the explanation is inadequate as the sentence is too general and not specific. When workers serve a community selflessly, they make a stronger impact in eradicating social problems such as female infanticide and child marriage.). This in fact strengthens them to apply proper measures by contacting concerned authorities, such as police or welfare organisations to rectify the issues. (The explanation is a bit weak. Watch the video to build a better structure of explanation.)

Unpaid young workers may experience financial problems during their course of work. As they are not paid for their community service, they find it difficult to manage money for the daily expenses including rent, food and so forth. In this situation, they have to rely on parents for getting financial support, which certainly creates a burden for the family (Idea well written and explained.). Moreover, a lack of professionalism these youngsters are not professionals and this (maintain better context) leads to a number of social problems. New volunteers lack requisite skills and knowledge which are significantly important to serve for the community effectively. If they do not have such professional skills they would , they will (IF …., THEN ….. clause) commit mistakes which affect the well-being of people. For instance, some community health organizations establish free vaccination programs to for the public with a view to eradicate communicable diseases. Unless the workers are have not mastered the skills of providing administering (Lexical resources: Injections are not provided. They’re administered.) injections or medications in a safe way, people would suffer the devastating consequences of unsafe vaccination. (the example does not show that unpaid workers can’t master the skill. For example, several community health organizations which hold free vaccination programs and involve young volunteers were in news recently. Since these youngsters are not trained medical professionals, they sometimes wrongly administer a medicine or inject a larger dose than necessary. This has numerous unfortunate and unintended consequences for patients.)

To summarise, based on the points above discussed, young adult’s adults’ unpaid service to the community brings more positive effects than negative results. Proper education to community workers is suggested since it can enhance their quality of work.

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