Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: More Young Adults Than Older People in Population.

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.

Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, the young people outnumber the elderly groups in many countries which gives great advantages especially if they appropriately (better word: sufficiently) invest the youth people, (the elderly and the youth are nouns. They do not need nouns such as groups and people for their existence.) however . However, I believe that the role of the older people is indispensable in incubating (incubating with what? The idea is too general. Write specific things only.) those young groups as I will articulate in my essay (Of course you will. No need to write this. Better write words that explain “incubating”).

NOTE: The premise of the question is: “More young than old”. Your first sentence gives the advantage of this premise. Your second sentence SHOULD give the disadvantage to this premise. However, you’ve given the advantage of the opposite premise “more old than young”. This is wrong. Sample: However, this has a few disadvantages such as lack of direction for the young people.

NOTE: You’ve not addressed the question “Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?”

The youth consider is considered (Passive voice) an invaluable asset for every country due to their its (youth is singular) essential contributions in the cultural legacy that ultimately leads to development and progression in aspects of life and fields such as Science and Technology (This is your IDEA. Honestly, it is toooooo complex. The next sentence should explain the idea. Unfortunately, it does not.). The youth has the power to accelerate the development process by conspicuously embracing the change and innovation (This is an IDEA and the next sentence should explain – CHANGE, INNOVATION. It does not explain these ideas.). For example, Dubai experienced a comprehensive change (can you mention the EXACT change?) by attracting and hiring the youth that eventually converts converted Dubai it (referencing word for cohesion) from an outlandish idea to the most prosperous city in the world.  This success is owing to the young people who seeks the novelty and iconoclasm(The words novelty and iconoclasm are too vague. Either explain them with specific ideas or avoid them.)

Additionally, building a strong sustainable economy depends on fresh blood (this is an informal usage. Better use it in the speaking module.) and young entrepreneurs, those who create ideas and then embark on their own careers, launch new projects, and begin fresh microenterprise (serious parallelism issue.). This thriving sector deems critical factor (Which critical factor? Unexplained.) to maintain powerful work-force where the wealth of nations is achieved. Witnessing (who is witnessing?) from Japan‘s experience when it was devastated after the second international world war, it started to create its powerful economy by recruiting the youth.

(For instance, during the second world war Japan’s economy was completely devastated. However, the country became an economic powerhouse/ superpower in the 1980s only by effectively mobilizing its youth.)

On the other hand, the increasing number of young people has raised a question about how the government can control the population and manage their needs. However, these concerns can be managed by rational planning approach. (This is inadequately explained.)

On the other hand, the falling proportion of elderly raises concerns about lack of direction in the youth (IDEA). Since the elderly have more wisdom than youngsters, they are capable of guiding the youth in matters such as balancing life and work, managing the finances, and maintaining peace and harmony in society (EXPLAIN). For example, the falling number of elderly in the United States has an unintended consequence of rising divorce rates, greater indebtedness and more work-life imbalance among youngsters (EXAMPLE).

In Conclusion, I am completely convinced that both the elderly and youth the young are essential pillars for any country, therefore they should co-operate (the question is not on cooperation.) with each other to tackle responsibilities towards their countries by exchanging their profound experience as they are veterans in all fields. They should provide advice, consultations whenever they needed in order to revive their country culture and advancement at every field. (Lost context in conclusion.)

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