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IELTS Essay Correction: Prison VS Unpaid Work.

Some people believe those who break the law should go to prison, while others think that different kinds of punishment such as forcing them to do unpaid work are more beneficial to our community. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The student needs significant improvements. Consequently, I’ve corrected two paragraphs only. 

Introduction:

At present, the crimes all over the world are rapidly increasing incline (wrong word use: incline) and the offenders are sent to the jail for punishment. But, some people claim that those people against the law that are sent to prison (promote cohesion in your answer by using the pronoun that refers back to “the offenders”: these criminals) whereas, some people argue that (repetition) such as criminal should be provide(criminals can’t provide work. Government can provide work. Make it PASSIVE voice. Wrong voice. Impact on grammar score and lexical resource score.) unsalaried work. To my coign of vantage (Coign of vantage = an advantageous position. You’re not in an advantageous position. This is your view. Lexical resource score suffers.) I believe that criminal should do unpaid work because it is more profitable than prisonment imprisonment and punishment. Let us talk about both aspects (Of course you will write about both aspects. It is better to invest this space in writing something more meaningful.).

Body Paragraph 1:

Rudimentary, (wrong word. Makes little sense at this place.) it is beneficial to give a longer and harsh imprisonment to criminal and to see the strong punishment (note the use of word harsh. It conveys the same message succinctly.) everybody cannot do danger activities which is are harmful to society (Please connect the two ideas properly. Otherwise, you will lose bands for wrong sentence structuring and cohesion. Idea 1: long and harsh punishment. 2. no one will commit crimes. Use IF …., THEN …. construction: If criminals are awarded long and harsh imprisonments, they will abstain from committing any criminal activities.)(You’ve stated IDEA 1. Please EXPLAIN it. Only then proceed to IDEA 2. Inadequate arguments.)

(NOTE: In one body paragraph you must discuss one view only. You must discuss the other view in the other paragraph.)

Body Paragraph 1 Continue …..

However, during imprisonment (incarceration) the time of prison, prisoners will (wrong tense) do some work and some activity due to which owing to it they will get educated and aware about the society. For example, we know that some day ago, a few days ago there was a breaking news about baba Gurmeet Singh who was a baba holy man and did many charity works but he has was (wrong tense) punished 20 years punishment in the rape case of two girls (The example has no connection with the idea. It does not explain the idea. Argument poorly developed.). By dint of it, every person shocked and know about the strict law (Mixed tenses. Please use one tense only.).

 

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