Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Growing Number of Overweight People.

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the existing health care system due to the in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is argued that s rampant increase in the number of obese people has put a stress on the healthcare system and one of the key remedial remedies is to introduce physical education as a compulsory subject of the school syllabus. This essay agrees with the suggestion completely because the benefits it brings to the society. This essay will first look at the benefits it brings to the students and then looks at lesser pressure it brings on the existing government spending(Though you’re writing an essay, the question is addressed to YOU. Not to the essay. Write what YOU believe and MENTION the reasons supporting your viewpoint. I agree with this statement since physical education not only creates a lifelong habit of staying fit but also sends the message of fitness to the student’s parents.)

Physical education plays an important part in the healthier lifestyle, which is affected by changing food habits. The first and the foremost is that it teaches pupils to choose a right balance between studies and physical activities. Due to this, the students are lesser prone to chronic diseases and disorders and this creates a lifelong habit to stay healthy. For instance, in 2016, the University of Cambridge found in research that students who were involved in physical activities in their adulthood were 95% healthier than their fellow colleagues in adulthood(Read the question carefully: Overweight people — physical education in schools. How will physical education in schools alter people’s general health?)

Moreover, each government has a limited amount of resources with unlimited needs (resources can’t have unlimited needs) and these are needs in various domains such as security, defense, infrastructure, education, and health. Furthermore, (wrong use of the cohesive device) The higher the health-related problems more the resources must be allocated to build the additional hospitals and related facilities needed to diagnose and examine people. This crowds out resources from other areas of business and welfare. (develop a proper logical flow of ideas) Physical education can significantly reduce the need for it by making people more aware of side adverse effects (side-effects are only for those items which have the main benefit) of being obese. For example, in 2014, The New York Times reported that in areas where people were healthier, the government spent 40% lesser in health facilities and promoted other beneficial schemes such as better road infrastructure and stronger policing (make it a bit more specific) in the surroundings.

To conclude, this essay supports the idea that physical education should be an indispensable part the education system. It would help us thriving building a better future for the upcoming future generation.

Comment: Lexical resource needs to be improved. You’re using the words incorrectly.

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