Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Fatherhood Ought to be Emphasised as much as Motherhood.

FATHERHOOD OUGHT TO BE EMPHASISED AS MUCH AS MOTHERHOOD. THE IDEA THAT WOMEN ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE BABIES LEADS TO THE IDEA THAT THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING THE CHILDREN UP.

TO WHAT EXTENT DO U AGREE OR DISAGREE.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read answer correction of another student.

Answer:

Mothers are generally claimed believed to be solely responsible for the birth and upbringing of their children. Whereas, whereas the role of fathers has always been underestimated in this respect. I firmly believe that fathers should be proactive as far as their responsibilities are concerned regarding in raising children since ……. This essay shall explicate the reasons for the supremacy of females and the demanding factors for fathers to be at par with mothers(MENTION the reasons supporting your views.)

Since time immemorial, mothers have been taking care of children, and they are looked upon as an embodiment of love and care (IDEA = mothers are an embodiment of love and care. EXPLANATION = How are they an embodiment of love and care?). Even Children love to spend time in their mother’s lap. Moreover, (This is not a new IDEA but an explanation of the previous idea) mothers are highly bothered more concerned about their kid’s needs than fathers, and they can go to extremes to ensure the safety and well- being of their offspring. Furthermore, this is only mothers who have achieved the status of God, as they lay mothers lay the foundation of a strong character of their children (Please explain this idea. HOW does a woman lay foundation of a strong character?). Women also make their children aware about their filial responsibilities (How?). Hence, such a strong persona of mothers has overshadowed the role of fathers in children’ lives.

(The above paragraph suffers from two major issues: 1. It lacks proper explanation of ideas. 2. It is NOT about your opinion.)

Other side of the coin is that On the other hand, children always try to avoid being in the company of their fathers as they own rigid and rough personality (EXPLAIN this idea.). However, we can say it a change of time for change because a paradigm shift has been noticed in the roles played by both parents (Is this paradigm shift related to FATHERHOOD? If yes, please mention that.). This is either due to either women are rubbing their shoulders with men in every sphere of life or fathers are becoming more liberal towards children. Therefore it is the need of the hour that men should be more concerned about their fatherhood by becoming sensible towards the requirement of the children(The question is not about fathers becoming more like mothers. It is about role of fatherhood.) (The paragraph is weak on task response)

Conclusively In conclusion, it is undeniable that females are out performing in child rearing practices; man should also take a lead to come at par with mother. (Need to work on conclusion. However, body paragraphs are the priority.)

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