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IELTS Essay Correction: Increase in Crime Rate.

Some countries are struggling with an increase in the rate of crime. Many people think that having more police on the streets is the only way to reduce the crime and whereas others say giving them education can do wonders. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the answer to a similar question:

Reports are showing that crime has increased all over the world and many people believe that nothing can be done to prevent it, while others disagree. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own experience.

Answer:

Few Some countries are finding it difficult to handle control the increased criminal activities in their region (of course it is in their region.). While many are in favor of putting up extra policemen or protection forces on the roads (Why? mention reasons), others think that providing the moral education to the criminals might do the miracles (Why? mention reasons).

To begin with, keeping more safety forces security force (the plural of force is force) on the streets will not only help to combat a criminal situation but also avoid major financial and property losses (EXPLANATION). Presence of more police will create a fear in the minds of the offenders who carry out such inhuman activities (IDEA). (Mention the idea before the explanation. This will also help you avoid repeating police or security: The presence of a greater number of policemen induces a fear in the mind of criminals who carry out inhuman activities. THIS not only helps in preventing any crime but also avoids any loss of property and livelihood during such activities. Moreover, THIS also protects people from the clutches of drug traffickers, thieves, and murderers.) Murderers and thieves are a major threat to the common people and presence of law protectors (merely changing police to security forces and law protectors will not add to lexical resources. This is in fact an opportunity to increase cohesion.) will ensure the people’s safety. Hence, it can be a boost in the reduction of crime and terror situations. To quote an For example, people who were kept a hostage in a bank were freed easily because of the presence of more security staff (which bank? Where? When? This is not an example. For example, in 1991 the New York police prevented the theft of more than a 100 million dollars from Standard Chartered bank due to the presence of a huge number of policemen around the bank.). Thus, increasing the numbers of police men on the busy and populated areas would ensure that people do not face threat and live peacefully(There is no need to restate this idea. You have already mentioned and explained it sufficiently.)

In contrast to the above context On the other hand, providing moral education and ethical knowledge to such nasty criminals would destroy their will to perform a criminal activity. (IDEA clearly stated. Now, you need to explain HOW education destroys the WILL to commit a crime.) Teaching them an art of living a valuable life would result in the decay of inhuman actions (This is again an idea. Not a SPECIFIC explanation. This also hides the fact that the student is unable to express the idea in specific vocabulary. Lexical resource. This education teaches the value of being a socially and economically productive member of a society. Criminals often learn courses in professional skills and are given financial, marketing, and business support so that they can become a respectable member of the society.). Education can be a boon to these goons as in most of the cases they are deprived of it (Devoid of specific explanation). Many of them are emotionally imbalanced and have not been nurtured ever in life (not specific, again. Moreover, this does not explain WHY EDUCATION?). Their vision towards life needs to be changed which can only be done in the form of awareness (HOW?). Take for an example For instance, criminal crime rates were down by 55% in a year in florida as the offenders went through a counseling program. (The example needs to be elaborated.)

To sum up, and in my opinion, more policemen should be deployed on the streets to find and arrest criminals and while serving the punishment they should be taught morals and ethics strictly.

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