Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: People Should not Work Once they Reach the Retirement​ Age – 4.

Some believe that people should not continue to work once they reach the age of retirement. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Retirement is considered that age in our society where one’s body is physically and mentally exhausted. Some institutions and organizations have set the criteria for retirement at 58 or 60 (no need to state this. Let us come to the demands of the question). While some self-employed people take retirement as per their wish. However, most people dread the word retirement (still not hitting the nail). People do lose on their regular income (okay. So should they work?). However, I disagree with the fact that people should not continue to work even after retirement (finally, you’re there!).

You should hit the bullseye instead of beating around the bush in the introduction. Most importantly, you should mention the reasons supporting your opinion. Let me use your ideas to write an introduction: Some people think that retired individuals should not work since they get mentally and physically exhausted easily. I disagree with this belief as working after retirement not only helps a person earn the livelihood but also enables him to contribute productively to the society.

One should retire after thirty five to forty years of hard productive work (Is this a suggestion? should. The first sentence should directly introduce the IDEA you plan to discuss in the paragraph.). Nonetheless, these people who have retired (these is a referencing word that refers back to the retired people.) should indulge themselves into some other less tiring work (this is still a suggestion. Not an idea.). Their experience is vast and they can still be contributing members of their families and societies (this seems to be an idea. Now you need to develop an argument. How can they still contribute to the society? Since retired people have vast experience in business and government, they can contribute extensively to the society (IDEA SENTENCE). They can use their understanding of accounts, marketing, policy making, management, engineering, etc to offer valuable economic services to the people as well as organizations (Explanation). For example, a large number of retired Indian government employees engage in public service through the Right to Information Act. (further explanation through example)).

Moreover, young people who have freshly passed completed college need work opportunities as they form the most productive age of any developing or developed society. Space for these young minds can only be created if the elder generation takes a step ahead to clear the path. (Two issues: 1. You’re supposed to discuss your view ONLY. Not the opposite. Your view is that the retired people should work. Support that with reasons. 2. The two sentences above are in an inverted order. While the former is an explanation, the latter is the idea.)

After discussing the reasons for people to consider retirement, I would like to discuss about the areas (No need to write this. Not adding any value to your essay. Discuss with me.) where their skill, expertise, and experiences can be utilized (I guess you raised this issue as contributing members above.). It is important that these people work with no deadlines as many of them undergo health problems at that age (This sentence does not explain your idea. Each sentence should explain the idea.). Their knowledge can be used to train fresh minds (How? Their knowledge can be used to train fresh minds in domains such as engineering and medical science. Various hospitals hire the services of retired government doctors to teach crucial skills to their junior doctors. Similarly, companies such as Larson and Toubro engage experienced, retired engineers to teach project management to their staff.). Some of them who have been indulged in their own business can continue working as they have matured in their field of expertise. Age does not determine or guarantee working abilities.

To conclude, the government should come up with new retirement and pension plans, as some of these people need regular incomes (Why should the government come up with these plans? No connection with the question.). Moreover, multinationals could use these people as interns who carry a sea of knowledge with them. (This is not an appropriate structure for conclusion.)

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