Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Consumer Goods Production Damaging Natural Environment – 1.

The trend of increased consumer goods production is damaging the natural environment. Why is it happening? What are the solutions for this situation?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

The process of production of consumer goods are causes (is causing) causes damage to the natural environment. This is not only damaging exploits (avoid word repetition) natural resources such as deforestation, soil extraction forests and soil but also produces significant pollution during production. (NOTE: 1. deforestation and soil extraction are not natural resources. They’re the PROCESSES that destroy natural resources. 2. Maintain parallelism – exploits and produces are parallel. I’ll send you a voice note through WhatsApp. You can read an article on Rules of Parallelism to understand the concept in a greater depth.)

The A large amount of raw material is used (understand the difference between passive voice and past tense) in the production of Consumer goods. For Steel production needs (requires) plenty of iron ore from mines. This production (this already refers back to steel production) involves the destruction of large tracts of land through deforestation, mining, and removal of topsoil. This permanently destroys the nature. While Moreover, (understand the use of right cohesive devices. While vs Moreover. I’ll explain in a voice note) manufacture manufacturing of steel (note the difference between manufacture (n) and to manufacture (v)) needs burning fossil fuels it which (no connecting device) causes the air pollution, s . Some factories release their production waste into water bodies such as rivers, ponds, and empty lands t . This causes significant water and land pollution (Please use punctuation marks correctly. Not using a PERIOD at the appropriate place will hamper your score). The increase in consumption of automobiles and transportation of goods from industry‘s is held responsible for damage to the natural environment. For instance, particular researches and studys studies point out consumption of factory air and from transportation significant the greenhouse effect and natural climatic conditions. (does not make any sense. What do you want to communicate?)

To reduce (curtail/ contain) this problem, governments, global health organisations and as well as (and = as well as) individuals can implement some serious plans actions. (You can’t implement actions. Wrong word choice. Correct = implement plans, implement laws, take actions, take measuresFirstly, this organization (which organization? this is a referencing device that should refer back to a noun.) have has to (Governments should take action ……) take action on companies industry’s who which was dumping dump (wrong tense) their waste wasteages at in natural environment areas and should collect green tax from them, in some major conditions seize them . In certain extreme violations of environmental norms, the regulatory agencies should stop production of goods (commodities). This collection These (use the right referencing device) taxes should use be used for farming planting trees and polluted cleaning water (parallelism mistake. Avoid the wrong choice of word. You can’t farm trees. I guess you don’t want to pollute water either.). Finally, if individuals in urban and rural areas can use disposal products that (that and which have the same function) which can be recycled, these declines the effect on environment the negative impact on the environment will be reduced(IF, THEN clause. If part is in present tense, then part is in future tense.)

In conclusion, all consumer goods and industry’s damage the environment. However, the government, committes and individuals their methods can be reduced. (need to seriously work on conclusion.)

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