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IELTS Essay Correction: Consumer Goods Production Damaging Natural Environment.

The trend of increased consumer goods production is damaging the natural environment. Why is it happening? What are the solutions for this situation?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

Nowadays, manufacturing products, which we mostly consume on regular basis, became has become harmful to our environment (maintain the same tense). In this essay, I will elaborate what caused this issue, and what can be done toward it(Please read the introduction of the sample essay by clicking on the link above. An introduction should MENTION the points you plan to discuss in the body paragraph.) This is primarily attributed to over-exploitation of nature for raw material and a serious rise in pollution.

To start up with, there are two reasons why goods production is damaging our environment. Firstly, goods production involves the overuse of materials that are rarely available in nature. For example, Natural gas, which is one of the a non-renewable fossil fuels that is made in a long time span, is certainly being used to produce plastic, and it also acts as an energy source for our cars. According to that, However, due to its overuse in the last few years, soon enough we will not be able to obtain natural gas, and we would have lost a valuable material (soon we will lose all usable reserves of this gas) (But how does that damage the environment? Context not maintained.). Secondly, pollution has become became a serious environmental problem (Secondly, the process of manufacturing consumer goods such as soaps, detergents, shampoos involve significant pollution.). Factories are mostly blamed for water and air pollution due to the smoke that is generated by manufacturing, and industrial wastes which are thrown (discharged) in seas or rivers. These two causes have the most negative effect to the environment. Write specific things only to develop a strong argument: (Factories on the coast of the Arabian sea, for instance, discharge untreated industrial wastewater into the ocean. This has resulted in the extinction of more than a hundred aquatic species in this region during the last one decade.)

You’ve raised two issues in the paragraph above. However, in the first, you lost context while in the latter the explanation is not adequate and specific.

However, (There is no contrast here. Use THESE as a connecting device. It will refer back to the causes discussed in the preceding paragraph) THESE causes can be addressed by …… there are many solutions to save our environment before its too late. First and foremost, rare materials should only be used after government permission. When the government limits the number of companies that depend on natural resources, we will have the chance to remain these sources conserve them for a longer duration of time as long as we can (Lexical resource issue.). Moreover, there is an urgent need to motivate citizens to purchase recyclable items (Write complete sentence). For instance, buying fabric bags for groceries instead of plastic bags, which can only be get rid of when burned, is a way safer (Safer in what sense? Vague; not clear) an environment-friendly option. Simple actions (Please be more specific. What do you mean be SIMPLE ACTIONS? Mention them.) can make difference in making a healthier environment.

In conclusion, everyone single one (everyone = single) of us should help in having creating a better environment (help in conserving/ preserving the environment) (use of most appropriate words will increase your score.) starting up by buying products which are only environment-friendly. Hopefully, no more damage will occur to earth, and people will finally be aware of the risks.

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