Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Children Accessing the Internet Unsupervised at a younger age.

More and more children are accessing the internet unsupervised at a younger age. This can sometimes put children at risk.

What problems do you think parents face when dealing with their children using the internet?

How can that problem be solved? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, usage of the internet has become an essential part of mankind’s everyone daily life (mankind refers to the human race. A race can’t have a daily life. Wrong word usage.). These days various children in the absence of parents (wrong apostrophe usage) access the internet and on several occasions face tremendous problems (This refers to the problems faced by children, not parents. Common subject is children.). This essay will discuss the problems faced by parents to deal with children using the internet and provide some recommendations to tackle the issues. (Of course, it will. You need not mention this. Better MENTION the problems you plan to elaborate in the body paragraphs.)

Undoubtedly, children, especially at an adolescent stage, (put within commas) feel mature to take risks and are not wise enough to tackle with dangers (missing NOT changes the sense of your argument. They can feel something. But that does not make them wise. I can feel like Iron Man, but I’m not.). Especially, online games attract them and encourage them to involve in risk taking activities. For example, couple of months ago the blue whale game in India was popular among teenagers in India as a dangerous game. Several teenagers attempted (WAS – past tense) suicides on unsuccessful attempts during the game after playing this game(Okay. How is this a problem for the parents?)

Undoubtedly, when children use the internet unsupervised, they engage in various risky behaviors that lead to serious problems for parents. They play online games that are full of violence and, sometimes, encourage them to commit illegal acts. For example, recently, many children attempted suicide after playing a game called Blue Whale. This created a serious problem for parents as they had to get their children treated psychologically.

Observation of children using the internet without any supervision is challenging for parents. Parents face myriad troubles (You’ve already written this in the previous sentence.). Firstly, unacceptable behavior of children and to cope as well as guide them is not easy for parents (You’ve put the cart before the horse. Wrong sentence structure. Start with the subject (parents), then verb (guide), then object (unacceptable behavior of children) Firstly, it is not easy for parents to guide their children to prevent unacceptable behavior.). Conduct related issues (Vague things. What do you mean by unacceptable behavior? What are conduct related issues?) of teenagers rise as a result of watching violent videos (Teenagers (subject) suffer (verb) from short temper, frustration, violent behaviour, isolation, and drug abuse as a result of watching violent videos (objects).). Internet usage and different kinds of online games and videos (these are a part of the internet. You’ve mentioned the videos above. Repetition) are responsible to change children’s behaviors (This sentence is same as the previous sentence. Same sense. No new value added. Repetition.). Additionally, ???? enhance children (who or what enhances? MISSING SUBJECT.) to involve in several offenses such as the use of drugs, teenagers attract towards these easily that is another challenge for parents. 

The paragraph, as well as sentences, lack proper structure.

There are various precautions parents need to adopt to guide children while using the internet obviously when unsupervised. Parents They (prefer a pronoun to refer back to a noun) need to turn off the internet connection when children can access internet unsupervised (Better structure: They need to turn off the internet so that children do not access the internet unsupervised.). Furthermore, by locking unsuitable channels for children (Unsuitable should be placed next to children. Need to change the structure to express the idea clearly: locking the channels which are unsuitable for children is extremely helpful in avoiding the problems.) can be helpful. Time to time parents need to spend time with children and discuss about the safe usage of the internet and how to avoid risk as well as dangerous websites or series. (How? Anything which is not specific will cost you dearly. Need to be specific/ precise. What do you mean by safe use? What is risk? Which dangerous websites? Moreover, parents should spend time with children to make them aware of the safe use of the internet in a manner that no malicious, pornographic or violence related website is ever accessed.)

In conclusion, internet usage has enormous benefits and some drawbacks as well (and = as well) when youngsters use it unsafely (youngsters use what? Object missing.). Parents need to prevent children from harms of the internet by proper guidance and deciding difference between right and wrong choices on the internet.

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