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IELTS Essay Correction: The Proportion of Old People is Steadily Increasing.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the sample answer and go through some related links.

Answer:

Owing to the advancement in technology and medicine the life expectancy of humans is steadily increasing. According to some, it have has some numerous positive effects such as the older generation guides the youth with their its (generation is singular) knowledge and wisdom. While others hold the opinion that it negatively effects affects the country resulting in the surge of population and increased increase in tax burden on the young generation. In my opinion the pro’s prospects (advantages) far outweighs the Con’s constraints (disadvantages).

Clearly, when a person reaches an age where he cannot work and  support himself, the government takes the onus of providing the basic amenities to them. The revenue collected in the form of tax from the citizens is used for this purpose. As the number or elders increases the amount of tax imposed will also increases. Thus increasing This increases the burden on the young generation (The tax is does not necessarily increase. But the amount of tax used in taking care of the elderly does. As the number of elders increase, the amount of tax used for their care also increases. This crowds out investment from other areas of economy such as physical infrastructure.). Secondly, high life expectancy will increase the population density of the country. Resulting This results in crippling the governments from supporting the increased population. (NOTE: Thus increasing & Resulting do not have an independent existance. Either make them part of the previous sentence or change them.)

Important: Develop a point completely or avoid it. The second point is not well developed. You could have raised the first point only and write an example. No need of point number 2.

Example for the first point in the paragraph above: Japan, which has more than 20 percent population above sixty years of age, spends 10 percent of its budget on taking care of these citizens. India, on the other hand, is a young country and it spends less than 1 percent. This leaves significant resources for development of other amenities in India.

Despite the aforementioned disadvantages, it have has myriads of advantages (no preposition between myriad and the noun). Firstly, with the knowledge and wisdom collected through the course of life, the elderly can guide the youth. (Explain the idea before moving to an example: They have a better understanding of social and economic systems and human psychology.) For example, in the profession of  teaching, the aged teachers are completely aware of the physical and mental needs of the student. And and the new teachers always seeks wisdom and knowledge the tactics of managing and motivating students from them (Be specific. You mentioned knowledge and wisdom in the introduction. Now it is time to EXPLAIN them specifically.). Secondly, due to high inflation rates both the parents need to work and the children are left in the care of the grandparents. This provides a healthy family environment to the child which cannot be is possible in the day care.

To conclude, with the wisdom and knowledge gained through the years of experience, the aged generation guides and provides moral values to the young generation. So the government should start some age friendly policies to support the elderly and to mitigate the negative effects of the increasing proportion of the old citizens of it (what does IT refer to? Not clear.).

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