Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: The Proportion of Old People is Steadily Increasing – 1.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some advocate that progression (population does not progress. It increases.) the rapid increase of elder people’s population is extremely good as retired old people can contribute by volunteering for social services (they can’t be “volunteering services” but they can “volunteer for services”). Others consider this as a negative and problematic for the country as elder they require myriads of services which impacted the economy of the country. (Word choice: in this context progression is not the right synonym for increase; elder is not a replacement for older people.) I am in the middle of both views I believe both views are correct to some extent as retired people need appropriate services and serve the country by their services also.

There are several benefits of elder people to a specific country. Firstly, elder people’s volunteering can contribute from a financial perspective. For example, in Victoria retired people serve in community services as volunteers. (there is a gap here. The logic needs the addition of another sentence. This helps these agencies save millions of dollars in employee salaries and use this money to build a strong community.) Consequently, they help to save scarce financial resources. Obviously, volunteers work without pay and save financial resources which can be used for other significant tasks (This sentence should have been placed before “Consequently”.). Secondly, elder (A 25 years old guy is elder to a 20-year-old. Not a correct synonym. Prefer the elderly) retired (old) people have experience which can be utilized by providing training services to youth. For example, the elderly can play an instrumental role in teaching life skills to misguided youngsters who engage in drugs and crime. Their experience and know-how help the youngsters to overcome their personal problems. However, retired people offer their assistance with their experience even after hours. (Why use however? What do you mean by “after hours”?)

On the other hand, boosting (wrong word choice) the increasing number of elder old people in a country rise raises numerous issues. This effected (effect = as a result; affect = impact) seriously affects the allocation of funding for different tasks. Undoubtedly, elder people acquire require (wrong word) enormous facilities and subsidies, especially, for health and transportation services. For example, aged care facilities are essential in western countries; thus, expenditures of aged care nursing homes affected and this seriously impacts the economy of these countryies. As a result, it impacts on the budget for services such as physical infrastructure and security for other citizens. Additionally, this increases the burden on tax payers because they have to pay more taxes on various things. Although (No need of although here) This reduces the number of services (You’ve raised this point earlier) for youth since a large amount of economy is used on elders’ pensions and other services (Not a new point).

In conclusion, the rising number of elder old people in various countries has pros and cons. Government bodies need to take essential steps to receive appropriate advantages from elders and maintaining keep (parallelism: receive is parallel to keep and maintain) them psychologically fit and fine by involving them in community activities and services.

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