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IELTS Essay Correction: The Proportion of Old People is Steadily Increasing – 2.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others think that this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is an undeniable fact that elder’s population is constantly accelerating increasing (accelerating refers to the rate of increase, not the increase) in various nations and people have a conflicting opinion about this growth. One school of thought believes that rising the numbers of old people this (prefer a referencing word) is a progressive development while others masses of people argue that it has detrimental impacts on the country. Before presenting my final verdict (verdict is final), it is important to investigate on both views. (It is advisable to state your opinion in the introduction. This will make things clear at the outset.)

On the one hand, a higher proportion of old generation is beneficial because older people can help in reduction of crime rate of the country. When a nation has more elders as compared to other age groups then these people can make understand the adults (Unclear to whom does these and adults refer) by sharing their real-life experiences and mistakes (The sentence is too long. Let us give a break here. One sentence should contain ONE idea only. The following point is another idea. Restructure: The old people often share their social, economic and personal experiences with youngsters and help them navigate tough situations. For example, old people are a repository of natural medicines such as Ayurveda and treat youngsters without any drugs which have side-effects.) and better guide the immature criminals who had have been doing crimes for years due to deprived conditions, unemployment and sometimes due to lack of proper vocational courses (Moreover, they act as a guiding force for immature criminals …….) (How do they act as a guiding force? Explain the idea before moving to a conclusion. They teach these misguided youngsters various skills such as accounting and construction and help them find economically productive jobs. This helps these youngsters abandon the path of violence and theft.). In this way, older people can generate productive youth by using their practical knowledge of outer world which can directly reduce crime rate (But how do they reduce crime rate?). For example, Japan is the country which is having has the highest number of senior citizens than any other than any country in the world and its crime rate is negligible due to proper guidance given by the older to the younger generation.

On the other hand, more elders are a biggest threat (I’m sure they’re not a threat) a hurdle in economic progress for any country because they are not playing do not pay (prefer simple present tense) respective contribution in to a country’s economy. If older people their (Use a pronoun to refer back to a noun) number grows then they will be more dependent on their family or on government budgets for their living expenses, as they had already done their earning up to retirement age since they do not have any source of income. they need allocations from others so they have no role in booming of country’s economy (You’ve already written this – dependent on their family or government budget ……). For instance, according to one of renowned old age house in Delhi, 83% elders are depend on government authorities as they are not having do not have any remuneration and they have no role in economical economic growth of the country. (This is not an example. Merely restating your idea with numbers. Give something concrete. How are they impacting the economic growth of the country? For instance, the elderly subsidy bill in India is more than 10,000 crore Indian Rupees and they attract pension of an equal amount. This severely reduces the financial power of the government to support the future generation.)

In conclusion, although older people are causing problems (Causing problem is considered intentional. I’m sure they do not do this intentionally.) regarding lowering the economy of country but (no need of but with although) it can be compensated by allocating a significant amount of sums in the form of state and central older age stipends. Therefore, I believe that steadily growth of elders is helpful in lowering down the violence and crime rate of a nation (Therefore gives an impression that allocation of significant sum as mentioned in the previous sentence will solve the problem of crime.). In future, countries will try to look for more ways of how to get more advantage from the old aged people as well.

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