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IELTS Essay Correction: Fine to Use Animals for Benefit.

Some people say it is fine to use animals for our benefit, others say it’s not good to exploit them. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

People have a conflicting opinion regarding the usage use (usage = manner of use) of animals for mankind like . One school of thought believes that it is absolutely fine to use animals for advantageous purposes while others think that their exploitation is intolerable. In my opinion, ill-treatment with of animals is an inhumane activity. (Though the introduction is well structured, you have made articles, preposition and punctuation mistakes.)

On the one hand, some people argue that we should not treat animals unfairly because Animal kingdom has (refer back using a pronoun) they have a vital role to maintain the ecosystem. As animals are an important part of food chain and without them, not only food webs disrupt but ecological balance also disturbs. (The idea ends here. Explanation in the next sentence. Need a punctuation mark.) because (As = because) Animals act as consumers in a specific food web and if they would not be a part of it then producers and decomposers will be in higher proportion and ecological system misbalances. For example, in Gir forest, India, from the last decade population of carnivorous animals is highly rapidly declining because of the scarcity of food especially deer that are hunted in large numbers tremendously. (The question is not about the extinction of any animal species. It is about the USE. Use them as food (chicken, beef, seafood), for labour (cattle), milk, sports (horses).)

Strength: You’ve successfully developed an argument. 

Weaknesses: Lost context.

On the other hand, many people argue that animals can be used for their benefits because of many reasons (Of course they can be used. The question is “SHOULD we use?”). Firstly, animals can be used for transportation in remote and outskirts areas due to unavailability of other modes of transport (Use the right context + Explain the idea: Firstly, in many remote areas there is no choice other than using an animal for transportation. Several hilly terrains do not have proper roads and only an animal such as a horse or an ox can transport humans.). Secondly, animals can meet nutritional requirements of humans because they are a rich source of proteins, vitamins, and minerals and they are can easily breed (Moreover, in several parts of the world, growing a crop is not an option due to the poor condition of land or extreme weather. For example, several parts of Canada remain under a thick layer of ice and the Sahara desert is too arid and hot to grow any crops. The only food option for humans in these conditions is an animal.). For instance, according to the recent survey done by Mumbai University, 73% of people near the coastal region depend on seafood due to easy availability and nutritional importance.

The ideas are fine. However, they lack proper context. Plus, the first idea is not properly developed.

Finally, in my opinion, animals should be used for some domestic purposes in countryside places (a countryside is a place) and for nutritional benefits for recommended for patients with some deficiency disorders but people should not slaughter innocent animals for their adventurous activities.

In Conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe it would be better to use animals for some benefits but not to exploit them. (The paragraph written above is the conclusion.)

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