Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Shopping is the Favourite Pastime for Most Young People.

shopping favourite pastime for Youngsters IELTS ELTEC.jpg

Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that?

Do you think they should be encouraged to do some useful activities?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

These days the youth is enthusiastic to spend leisure time on shopping rather than other significant activities due to attraction towards fashion and peer pressure. Young individuals This (You’ve mentioned the youth above, no need to repeat. Just refer back to the time.) precious time can be utilized while by involving in useful activities such as gardening and volunteering etcetera.

To commence with, there are numerous reasons responsible for encouraging youth for shopping in spare time. Firstly, the age factor is responsible at to some extent. Obviously, young individuals are careless about savings for future and utilizing time (You’ve not discussed TIME in the following sentences.). Hence, (wrong connecting device. You need to use BECAUSE/ SINCE) since whatever they have in the pocket, they spend it to impress friends spend on shopping (Youngsters are careless about savings since they want to impress their friends with the latest products.). Obviously, (no need for this word. Does not add any value.) during window shopping they are attracted by discounts and buy unnecessary products. For example, a survey conducted by Victoria University has found the best leisure time activity among vary various age group revealed the report (leisure activity can’t reveal the report) that state 60 % of respondents 18 to 30 years old is spend free time on shopping. (Could have created a simpler example: For example, a report has found that youngsters in Australia consider an expensive car and an iPhone necessities that must be fulfilled to make an impression of a successful lifestyle on their friends.) Secondly, youth is influenced by peer pressure as one individual’s activities influenced others. (I guess this is same as the previous point. You’ve not explained the second point. Please develop the arguments.) Especially, buying products advertised by celebrities insist on them. (Incomplete sentence.)

I presume believe (this is not a presumption) that the youth needs appropriate directions to take decisions to spend free time more productively as they have lack of guidance and assistance. Young people can be motivating motivated to contribute in by volunteering in during their free time. Thus, can be productive for individual to learn more (This is not the explanation: This will help them to make significant contributions to the society by working for the elderly, specially abled and victims of various crimes. This will also make them sensitive to the needs of others and, hence, become responsible citizens.). Consequently, for society by taking advantages from youth (Incomplete sentence. Makes no sense.). Myriads services such as tutoring children in undeveloped areas and spending one to one time with elders can be beneficial (for whom? How?). Additionally, other options like artwork and gardening are useful, however, options can be negotiated with individuals. (how are they useful? Arguments not developed.)

In conclusion, the majority of the young people are having have shopping as a main hobby. Needless to say, essential assistance and provision of opportunities for pivotal activities for youth need to be considered to get the best outcome for the community and for young individuals. 

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