Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Some People Spend a Lot of Money Attending Cultural or Sports Events – 1.

Some people spend money on tickets for sports or a cultural event. Is it a good thing or bad thing explain your view on your knowledge or your own experience?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Spending money on indigenous (indigenous is not a substitute for culture. Wrong word choice will impact your lexical resource score.) shows and national sports events are considered (without auxiliary verb are, this is a past tense) an act of Patriotism by some. They think doing this will not only help to grow employment for local people but will also provide better opportunities of revenue revenue generation for government and this revenue can further be deployed for such activities promotion. (Please mention the ideas only. No need to explain anything in the introduction.) In my opinion, this thinking is beneficial for both self and Society.

Flourishment (Never heard this word. Flourish is a verb.) Flourishing of any culture starts with its indigenous support. (You need to explain the idea first before writing an example: When people support local shows, they help in the preservation of the native language and culture along with jobs for the local artists.) Pune, a metropolitan city in India, for instance, is assumed to be Heritage hub for Marathi culture. To achieve this Glory local people have thrived in (wrong word use. local people support regional plays ….support of local regional (acoid word repetition) plays for plethora of decades (decades can’t be plathora). They are intentionally watching (prefer using simple present instead of present continuous) the maximum number of cultural events by purchasing tickets, though, they might not stand up to a critic‘s expectation. As a result, demand for such events has been consistent, so does employment also for these years.

Purchasing tickets either for sports or for (parallelism – for) cultural events creates (Purchasing tickets = a singular event) huge revenue generation opportunity for government(a government). This and amount is usually deployed by the federal government for the development of these sectors (How? Please be a bit more specific to score higher bands: This amount is used by the federal governments to build more theatres for stage performance, support sports and arts schools, and construct more stadiums for indoor and outdoor activities. Note the specific response and parallelism – build, support, construct.). This indirect help by citizens is also termed as national help (How? Anything left unexplained will impact the score.). A recent survey by Moody’s stated that the entertainment sector in India stood one-fourth of annual GDP (Okay. So, should people spend money on this sector? Does entertainment mean cultural events? The example is vague and not idea specific. For example, the government of Delhi has used the proceeds from sports and cultural events to construct stadiums in various parts of the city and this had further increased the revenue from the sector by 20 percent during the past year.). This is a significant social achievement.

Finally, sports and cultural events are the crucial entertainment means one can easily spend a couple of hours watching on such occasions (which occassions?) (Please explain the idea in at least one sentence.). Furthermore, going out along with family to support their favorite actor or player generates a feeling of unity among respective supporter base. (How? Explain. When people cheer for their team, this builds a spirit of unity and patriotism which translates to a stronger society.)

In conclusion, spending money on these occasions is part of social betterment and ought to be encouraged to maintain social harmony.

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