Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction July​ 2018: Many Parents Stay at Home and Take Care of Family Instead of Going to Work – 1.

This is a July 2018 IELTS Essay Topic.

Many parents (mostly women) decide to stay home and take care of family members instead of going out to work. Some people suggest that they should be paid by the government for doing that. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The majority number of parent (A number of parents) choose not to work but rather look after their family. Some people recommend that the state should help them financially. This essay I (The question is addressed to YOU. Not to the essay.) completely agrees with the this statement that since it makes the men or women them (use a pronoun to refer back to parents. This builds cohesion in the essay.) financially independent secure (If they depend on government for financial assistance, how can they be independent?) and can concentrate on other important things.

(Note: this is a referencing device and it increases cohesion in the introduction.)

The first main reason why parents should be given money is that they don’t do not have to be dependent on someone else for money (This is the IDEA sentence. The following sentence should EXPLAIN this idea. But it does not. There is no clear link between dependency and saving money.). This is to say that they have the choice whether they want to spend that money or save it for later. They don’t do not have to seek help from others at the time of emergency or health disease. (Agree that government should offer financial aid. But, what is the link with raising children? The question statement says “…… paid by the government for doing THAT.”) In case of single parent, the financial support provided by the government can immensely help them raising kids and supporting other non-working family members. For example, in the USA, the government provides support to such parents who wish not to work through the food stamp card. (The example does not address the question – should parents who sacrifice jobs be financially supported? For example, in the USA, state governments offer financial support to parents to spend at least 12 hours with children and teach them morals and ethics since this requires abandoning a lucrative career.Link all elements of the question.

Another reason that such parents should be helped is because that they can focus on other things in the family. In other words, household activities such as cleaning floor, cooking food, washing clothes and looking after kids including checking their homework and monitoring them required a huge amount of time and efforts. Children need more attention and they cannot be overlooked at in the initial years when they are growing both mentally and physically. Therefore, this can only be done when a person is completely free from the burden of earning money. (Idea clearly mentioned and explained.) For example, a survey conducted by The Times stated that children who are not monitored and disciple by parents at a young age are more likely to indulge in criminal activities later in life. (The example is incomplete. You’ve not mentioned that the parents are absent. For example, a survey by The Times magazine revealed that children of working parents are less disciplined and less successful than those of parents who stay at home. The magazine attributed this to close monitoring of children by mothers who choose to abandon career and take care of the child.)

In conclusion, it is essential that the government should step in forward by helping parents that who wish to be at home for taking care of the family because this will provide them monitory support and they will be able to concentrate on other matters children’s overall growth and development(Other matters is too vague. You used “other things” in body paragraph 2. But you explained it there. Conclusion should not include such vague/ unclear terms.)

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