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IELTS Essay Correction July​ 2018: Many Parents Stay at Home and Take Care of Family Instead of Going to Work.

This is a July 2018 IELTS Essay Topic.

Many parents (mostly women) decide to stay home and take care of family members instead of going out to work. Some people suggest that they should be paid by the government for doing that. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is an undeniable fact that both parents have an equal responsibility towards their family. But, most of the time, women sacrifice their professional career and give priority to their families. Therefore, some people think that it is the responsibility of the government to subsidize such home-stay-parents. This essay, however, does I do not agree with this view because the government has other priorities as well. (Prefer ‘I’ over ‘This essay’ since the question is “Do YOU agree or disagree?”)

Admittedly, parents staying at home for the to take (for taking) care of their families have more responsibilities than the working ones. This is because they have to work 24×7 hours day and night (do not use mathematical forms.), which is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. (Your first idea ends here but you’ve not addressed the question: Should the government subsidize or not subsidize?) Moreover, not only they have to look after family but they also have obligation to do household chores (Looking after the family is called household chores. Isn’t it? Don’t use moreover since this is not a new point but an explanation of the previous point.). Although giving them some monetary reward to keep them motivated is a good option. (Okay! Now you’ve violated the cardinal principle – Stick to your opinion. Your opinion is that government should not subsidize. Just explain your opinion. Not the other person’s views.)

Essay structure:

Introduction – state your opinion clearly. Since this is a “agree or disagree” essay, you have to take one side and not the middle ground. You can take a middle ground when the question is “to what extent do you agree or disagree”.

Body Paragraph 1: Explain your opinion with reason 1.

Body Paragraph 2: Explain your opinion with reason 2.

Conclusion.

However, provision of giving financial aid to non-working parents is an arduous task for the government because it requires a huge amount of funds. (This is your idea. Now explain it. Giving an allowance of rupees 5000 to each family member in India who sacrifices career for the family will drain the government of billions of rupees each month.) In addition, there are many other areas which require government funding. To exemplify, it is the liability of the government to fulfill basic needs like food, shelter, and education of all citizens and it must be on utmost priority (Incomplete idea. I can’t see government funding for parents. If governments finance parents, they will have little resources left for executing these more important tasks.). Besides, if government agrees to give payment to home-stay-parents then, most of the working parents may leave their jobs and completely rely on government for their finances. Thus, allotting funds by government for this purpose will not be a wise decision. (You should write two paragraphs on these lines.)

To recapitulate, undoubtedly the parents staying at home for taking care of children and other family members play a paramount role in society, but providing them some fixed salary from the government is not acceptable because raising funds for other needs of citizens is more important.

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