Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Children Should Go To Kindergarten Before Attending Primary School.

Some people think that children should go to kindergarten before attending primary school, while others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the SAMPLE ANSWER also.

Answer:  

Learning is a vital part of one’s life. Learning It (Use a pronoun to refer back to Learning) takes place both at home and in school. However, some people believe in not sending their children to school till the age of six or seven. In this essay I will be discussing both views and also trying to reach to a valuable conclusion(This is exactly what the Question statement says. The examiner knows that you will discuss both views and give a conclusion. No need to mention this. Write something more valuable. Better MENTION the reasons supporting each view.) Some people think that children should attend kindergarten since this helps in developing a routine.

Firstly, I strongly believe that (If you support this view, say it. This should be done in body paragraph and conclusion.) attending kindergarten is the initial step in a child’s learning process. This helps them him (a child = singular) come out of their his protective shell at home and spend some time outside. In the process, not only do (Delete DO to make things parallel in “not only X but also Y”) they progress socially amongst peers but also they start having a purpose on a day to day basis. This purpose in turn assists them to develop a routine. (Idea mentioned and explained clearly. Good job!) Secondly, children get the opportunity to learn about the basics of education, primarily alphabets, and numbers. It is easier for them to identify letters and learn them through fun activities at kindergarten. This enables them to grasp things faster during the primary school. (The idea seemed incomplete without mentioning the benefits during primary school. The question is in the context of primary school.) Thirdly, children also evolve their motor and cognitive skills from an early age. (HOW? Please explain before reaching to a conclusion. They learn to play puzzle games, dance and sing during the class. This develops their ability to think, communicate, and discuss.) Therefore, their ability to think rationally gets fostered. 

While on the other side of the coin On the other hand, there are people who prefer to have children spend their early years growing up years at home. According to them, the home provides a better environment for the children. They feel secured amongst their grandparents and family members. Having spent quality time with their loved ones, these children tend to be stronger emotionally later on having spent quality time amongst their loved ones (This is a modifier. Either use it correctly or avoid it.). Also, family members tend to be more caring as opposed compared to (as opposed to = instead of. This is not the same as “as compared to”.) the staff at kindergartens (to be more caring than the kindergarten staff.). They get exclusive attention all day. Moreover, considering the level of pollution in my city (Moreover, considering an alarming increase in pollution in urban areas in all countries, …..), it is advisable for children of this age to stay at home. If they are exposed to toxic gases while traveling to kindergarten, they can catch serious diseases such as asthma. (EXPLAIN the idea.)

Nonetheless, in my opinion, it is ideal for children to attend kindergartens from an early age as there are far more benefits of it than staying at home. This enables the children to become independent and is later reflected in their personalities.

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