Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Senior People Want to Share Their Lives With Retirement Community.

In some countries, senior people want to share their lives with the retirement community rather than their adult children. Is it a positive or a negative trend?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, modernization has revolutionized the way of thinking not only in of youngsters but also of the elderly old-fogies (Incorrect word. Fogy is an old-fashioned person who is dull.). In many nations, senior citizens prefer to live with their peers in some old-age house or independent accommodation to cherish themselves (Cherish themselves = happier and contented. You’ve used two sentences to write one idea. This counts as a repetition.). Some people reckon it as a positive trend as it provides them a happier and contented contended living. But, it is my contention belief that this phenomenon is a big failure for the family system. (Wrong words – contention and contended. Please check their meanings.)

The traditional family unit consists of parents, children and of course the grandparents (A, B and C – these should be parallel. That is, the first word of all should belong to the same family. In this case – nouns.). Oldies (An informal word – inappropriate) are the an immense source of experience and knowledge which they usually impart to their grandchildren usually. In the absence of this treasure, the knowledge would be in abstract form only in books or journals. Moreover, in today’s scenario, when both the parents are working, the old people can undertake the task of child-rearing which is secure as well as economical. Thus, if they would shift to another place, child crime and insecurity would certainly rise. (Use WOULD only in the THEN part of the IF, THEN clause.)

Nevertheless, it is the fundamental right of everyone to stay anywhere and with anyone according to his/her desire which could not be violated (WHICH does not refer to the fundamental right. It seems to refer to desire.). Retired folks feel comfortable, secure and satisfied when they reside with the people of same age having similar thoughts, aspirations and emotional bent of mind. 

NOTE: This is an opinion question (Is it a positive or a negative trend?). You’re supposed to EXPLAIN your opinion only. Not the other side. You’ve expressed disagreement with this trend in the introduction. However, you’ve devoted one paragraph in favor of retirement homes.

You should write another paragraph in support of your opinion:

Moreover, since elders usually can not take care of themselves and need the support of youngsters, it is advisable to keep them in the company of their children and grandchildren. They often need help to walk and cook food. The younger family members can help them in these activities. Despite the availability of paid staff members in retirement homes, the elderly cannot feel the same amount of love and care as they feel at home. The is evident from the fact that just 5 percent of elderly citizens in New Delhi choose to leave their family and live in a retirement home. 

To conclude, I would reinstate my opinion that this vogue (Vogue refers to fashion and not a trend) can prove to be a loophole (loophole refers to a mistake in a law or an agreement) for the family structure. The pensioners have the right to spend their life according to their wish, but at the same time, they should not get detached from the family for the betterment of posterity.

I guess you’re using synonyms with a shallow understanding of their meanings. Wrong use of a number of words as highlighted above reduces your lexical resource score.

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