Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Money Cannot Buy Happiness.

Money cannot buy happiness, it is often claimed. But with money, you can buy most of the things that are necessary for happiness – good food, accommodation, travel, health, entertainment, etc. No wonder people want to make as much money as possible. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Money seems to be a favorite of IELTS examiners. Here are a few money-related topics from this website. Please go through these essays as well.

  1. Money more important than free time.
  2. Financial Support for creative artists.
  3. Material possessions vs traditional values.
  4. Additional economic wealth increases happiness.
  5. Spend money to enjoy life or save it for the future.
  6. Money can bring happiness.

Answer:

Money is an indispensable part of everyone’s life. However, people spend their whole life to earn money in for the sake (The correct preposition before SAKE is FOR) of good health, quality education and high standard of living (Parallelism – good, quality and high are adjectives and hence parallel. Please drop me a WhatsApp to further understand this concept.). Irrespective of all these amenities, people do not live life at the fullest. I completely agree with the given notion that happiness cannot be purchased from anywhere, but in this materialistic world, money helps to live sustainable life. (The introduction is well written as it covers the topic statement and STATES your opinion clearly. The words used are appropriate. The sentence structure is equally good. Good job!)

To begin with, the basic needs of mankind are physical and material. Having a good house is the foremost priority of every person, owing to which people earn and save (perfect parallelism) a huge sum of money. After purchasing it (good referencing), the owner of the house feels relaxed and satisfied with his own property. Besides, it gives a sense of security for to all family members. Moreover, gaining a good education is another salient facet of society life to attain happiness (It is not a FACET of society since HAPPINESS is for an individual). If children achieve good scores on in studies, then not only they feel happy, but parents of top scorers also celebrate their achievement by partying (I can’t see the link between MONEY and EDUCATION in this sentence. By spending money in attaining higher education, people often secure better employment in the future. For example, an international study of educational institutes revealed that the most expensive institutes are often the most valued by employers. Harvard and Stanford universities are the most expensive and their students secure the most remunerative jobs in the world.). Thus, these kinds of attainments, in which money plays pivotal role in human’s life, stands them n good stem and renders a happy life.

Despite, (DESPITE is incomplete without a reference to the previous paragraph) Despite these compelling arguments in favor of money, peace of mind and contentment are not solely dependent upon materials. Affluent people, for instance, are more stressed and depressed in their life as compared to those who earn less low earner. One of the main reason is that most of the rich people, if not all, spend their all life to earn more and restrain themselves from psychological needs. Since Every person needs to love and to be loved and money cannot purchase these emotions. Apart from it, people become greedy and corrupt to live a wealthy life, which is are detrimental to happiness. (There is no direct link between ‘greed’ and ‘not being happy’. It is advisable to develop a logical explanation. Moreover, people become greedy and corrupt in pursuit of earning more wealth. This gives rise to conflicts and court cases which, in turn, result in loss of mental peace.)

In conclusion, money is essential to have a good standard of living and may provide happiness for short spans. In spite of it,  psychological and spiritual needs do not demand money for happiness.

This was a good attempt. As mentioned and explained above, you need to develop the arguments better.

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