Answer Checking

IELTS Essay July 2018 Correction: Children Should go to Kindergarten Before Attending Primary School – 2.

Some families send their children to nursery school before the primary, whereas some want their children to spend time at home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Early years of an individual’s life are the fundamental years (fundamental what? It is an adjective and needs a noun for its existence) of one’s life (= individual’s life. Repetition.) since most of the cognitive development takes place during these years. People have contrasting views about whether sending them to kindergarten or allowing them to spend time with their family members is more beneficial. In my view, getting children enrolled in play ways is better as it provides them with professional caregivers and the company of other children to play with.

Those who are in favor of keeping children at homes so that they can spend quality time with their parents, (no comma) cite several reasons (several reasons for what?). Firstly, they say that children have to spend most of their lives in studies. (Your idea is split into two sentences. Make it one. Firstly, since children have to spend most of their lives in studying academic subjects, it is advisable not to burden them with this pressure during the initial years. Rather …..) Therefore, they should not be burdened with the pressure of learning in starting years rather . Rather they should be allowed to learn in a natural (what is natural environment? Is school’s environment artificial? Wrong word choice.) environment of homes freely. (Okay, but why? Develop a contrast between academic subjects at school and basic etiquettes at home. Rather they should be allowed to learn basic etiquettes and manners in a comfortable environment at home.) Secondly, the more the time young children spend with their family members, the more the chances that they imbibe their cultural and moral values. (Though the idea is clear, the explanation is NOT for cultural and moral values.) To illustrate, sharing food with other members of the family or table-manners can be taught by family only while eating meals at a dining table. They can learn about various customs, traditions, and festivals only at home and not in a secular and academic environment of a school (COMPARE with school.). For example, before sending me to the primary school (context of the essay), my parents used to teach me everything about the Sikh religion (context of the idea) and I had imbibed many of its principles at a young age. Finally, if children spend more time with their family members, the bond between them gets stronger. This is because children attach a sense of belongingness with the people around them. (I can neither see a comparison with a nursery school nor that the children are at a pre-school age. The idea is poor on task response. FInally, if young children spend the entire time with their parents rather than going to a nursery school, they develop a strong bond with family members. When children spend a few hours in a day in a kindergarten, their chances to develop a deeper bond with parents reduce. They develop a deeper attachment to the peer group and teachers.)

Despite these arguments, I believe that children should spend their pre-school years in nursery schools. One of the major advantages of such organizations is the availability of professional caregivers. Most of their staff is well trained to not only to handle the toddles, but also to give them ample opportunity for comprehensive development. To exemplify, incorporation of the staff teaches young kids (You need to write staff to maintain a link between idea and example) mind games, such as puzzles, and physician physical activities, such as hide and seek and swings, in their time table boosts their mental and physical health. (Don’t place such as between commas.) Additionally, in a kindergarten, children can spend time with other children of the same age group (spend time with the peer group) which instills several qualities. For instance, children (This is not an example) They learn to be sociable, expressive and creative when they spend time with other children. (Do they do this in a kindergarten? There is no mention of that. Task response score falls.)

Though this paragraph is better developed than body paragraph 1, the second point is weak on task response. There is ample scope to develop arguments.

To conclude, although children can get several benefits be spending time with their family members, I assert that they should be sent to nursery schools because of the (can’t recall how I mentioned the 2nd point related to the company) care provided by professionals. (Let us focus on the mistakes in the body paragraphs and not worry about the conclusion.)

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