Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Women’s Place is at Home.

Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. What is your opinion?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Bygone Gone are the days when women were confined to homes. In the modern society, women are playing equal and imperative roles in the outer world and are proving their caliber in man dominating the society. However, some conserved conservative/ orthodox people argue that women should not work outside their homes and should live in within prescribed boundaries. To my mind, this thought is totally flawed, since women have already proved their mettle in every sphere of human society(This is a repetition of the first sentence.)

Though the introduction is well written, the sequence of sentences needs to be changed to write a superior structure. Some conservative people argue that should not work outside their homes and should live within prescribed boundaries. To my mind, this thought is a totally flawed view since, in the modern society, women are playing equal and imperative roles in the outer world and are proving their caliber.

At the outset (This idiom doesn’t make any sense. At the outset = at the beginning. Beginning of what?), the pages of history revealed reveal (They still reveal this. Present tense.) that women have been exploited physically and psychologically in many societies. Fortunately, this scenario has been changing with the collaboration of assertive ladies, who fight for their human rights. (You should focus on your opinion that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace. Do not write about history.) Moreover, there is no field untouched, where women have not (You need TWO not’s to make a yes. No field where women have not achieved = women have achieved in every field) achieved admirable success. Nowadays, women do jobs in every field such as engineering, medical, army, airlines and many more, where they not only show their intellectual capacity to rub shoulders with men, but also play a pivotal role in the progression of their organizations. For instance, Seema Dass, for instance, (Link the modifier with the noun it modifies. Not with ‘for instance’.) the first girl who won a gold medal in athletics, has made her country proud and has become an ideal for posterity.

The task response in the paragraph above is not strong since the question includes “workplace of the future“. You should write something like (The same ideas as yours. Just a juggling of words.): Women are intellectually equal to men and are excelling in various domains such as engineering, academics, armed forces, and business. With better educational facilities in the future, they will become more adept in these areas and, hence, will play an instrumental role in the workplace.

On the other hand, it is lamentable fact that many women are restricted to stay at home. They are assigned to do household chores, childbearing and rearing, which are considered their foremost duties to perform for the whole life. One research has revealed the fact that housewives are more prone to stress and apprehension. Since, they work for 24 hours and do not get any appreciation for their work from anyone in the family (Incomplete sentence: Since X, Y. Y is missing. Combine the two sentences. Since they work for 24 hours and do not get any appreciation for their work from anyone in the family, they are more prone to stress and apprehension.). Apart from this, such women are financially dependent upon male members, (no comma here) because they have no source of income by residing at home, (no comma here) which take forces them to take a back seat in social activities. If women are given financially rewarding and personally satisfying roles in the workplace, they will become an economically contributing and socially active members of the community. (Without the last sentence in BLUE, the task response is poor. The arguments are well developed.)

In conclusion, gender discrimination is repugnant in decent society. It is mandatory to stand females in good stead, (no comma here) because no nation can progress with inequality in gender.

Wrong punctuation at several places. Not “no comma here”. You’re using a comma before BECAUSE. This is incorrect.

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