Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction July​ 2018: Many Parents Stay at Home and Take Care of Family Instead of Going to Work – 3.

Some parents, especially mothers, stay at home instead of working, and some people think that they should receive monetary compensation from the government. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In order to take a good care of their children, many mothers quit their job and sit stay at home. Some people think, and I strongly agree, I strongly believe (If this is your viewpoint, no need to write some people. But you will not lose bands for this.) that those mothers should be compensated financially since a good nurture of kids would lead to well-developed individuals who greatly contribute to the success and prosperity of the society.

Housemothers are definitely eligible for the governmental subsidy due to their contribution of in upbringing fully mature (There’s nothing called partial mature. A mature person is 100 percent mature.) individuals (due to their contribution in upbringing children in a responsible manner.). The first few years of any kids’ life is are (the first few years = plural) the most formative ones. Thus, teaching kids various skills and morals would definitely help in increasing their self-esteem and character growth (You need to be more specific to gain higher bands. Which skills? Which morals? Moreover, I can’t see any mention of mothers staying at home. Only mothers are capable of teaching morals such as honesty, integrity during these formative years. Such character development is not possible if mothers are working.). And According to the latest studies, those these traits are among the most essential ones that kids need to thrive in life as they grow. (Okay. But who says that only a non-working mother can teach these traits? A working mother or a working father or a retired grandparent can do this. Context lost. Low task response score.) However, if a mother have has (a mother = singular) to work in order to get money, she will not be able to fully devote her time to look after her kids. (Fine. But can she teach the skills mentioned above?) And as a result, the children would grow up lacking some essential skills (Are these the same skills as mentioned above? Lacks proper linkages. Weak coherence and cohesion.) that could help them succeed in both personal and business life. Therefore, offering housemothers a monthly salary can significantly help them to allocate most of their time for their children.

The sentences mentioned above are well developed. But each sentence is isolated and lacks connection with other sentences. Though you’ve used cohesive devices, a logical connection (coherence) is missing. Let me rephrase for you:

The first few years of a kid’s life are the most formative ones. During these years he learns various morals such as honesty and integrity and only a mother (context) can impart these morals. However, working mothers (context) often lack the time and are thus incapable of teaching their children. In the interest of a strong character of children, the governments (context) must finance housemothers so that they can give undivided attention to their offsprings.

Furthermore, when children grow up and develop into skilled and well-rounded individuals, this would reflect positively on the society. (Context missing. The question is “should government finance mothers to stay at home and take care of children?” Let us stick to that.) First of all, skilled manpower is essential to carry out several development activities. They It (skilled manpower = singular) also plays a vital way role for the systematic utilization of the natural resources and help to conserve them as well. (Do housemothers impart these skills? How?) Finally, they form a valuable addition to the national economy due to their rule in attracting big companies to open new branches and invest in the local market. All of that would not be possible without the extensive care those individuals receive from their financially supported and time devoted devoting mothers.

The context should be built into the whole paragraph and not just written in the end.

Furthermore, a non-working mother (context) has time as well as energy to keep a track of a child’s academic as well as extracurricular performance (IDEA). She can check the daily progress of a child in the class by closely interacting with the teachers and take the child for classes such as painting, singing, and dance (EXPLANATION of academic and extracurricular). A working mother (context) is incapable of doing these activities. Thus, the government (context) must finance these mothers so that they as help the children, who are the future of a country, to flourish in all areas of life.

To conclude, based on the discussion above we can say that aiding mothers who left their job to raise their children up is a win-win situation for both the children and the government.

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