Some people use technology to take advice for their medical problems rather than seeing a doctor. Why this is so? Is it a positive or negative development according to you?
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
In the last few years, many people have adopted a new trend of using the internet to diagnose their health problems rather than visiting a clinic and getting a face to face advice from a doctor. (a clear paraphrasing of the question statement. Good.) This (Good referencing) is because people are less satisfied with the way they are treated as patients. However, this new method can have a disastrous effect (can have disastrous consequences) due to many factors.
Unfortunately, the healthcare sector has been transformed into a business where money is the main (primary) goal (Very specific and precise idea. Well-done.). In order to increase their (good referencing) profit, doctors purposely try to maximize the patient’s bill in many ways. For example, they may ask the patients to do the unnecessary test, prescribe them extra medicine or
even recommend the last option surgery as the main recovery method (Parallelism: The first words of A, B, and C should be parallel. Ask, prescribe, and recommend are parallel since they are verbs. EVEN is an adjective.). This type of attitude has repelled people from visiting doctors and pushed them toward the internet where they can search for medical resources in it (No need of IT to refer to the internet. Where already refers to the internet.) in order to fully diagnose their health conditions.
Despite the minor grammar issues, the arguments are well developed in a cohesive manner.
However, this new approach brings about many (several) issues. First of all, there are plenty of unreliable medical sources on the internet. If a patient
relied relies (present tense) on one of these, then he might may/ will end up following a wrong prescription and this could can/ will lead to a severe escalation in his health conditions (NOTE: IF-THEN clause. THEN is silent. It is never written but represented by a comma. IF X, Y. The right construction is IF (present), (future). The meaning is, if something happens today, what will be the consequences in the future. The future is represented through WILL, MAY, CAN.). Secondly, not every patient is capable of reading and understanding many of the medical terminologies and terms which exist in the medical sources. And A misunderstanding of a medical statement (of medical statements) could lead to an improper medication the thing that in best case scenarios will not benefit the patient, let alone the possibility of poisoning him (strange construction. ….. improper medication which may have serious consequences. For example, a diabetic patient may consume a higher dose of insulin which can severely drop the sugar level in the body.)
In summary, in order to avoid exploitation (noun) and
abusing (verb) (parallelism issue: abuse = noun.) (exploitation and abuse), many people are resorting to technology to have an advice for their health issue. This procedure can lead to catastrophic results when misused.
You’ve made a nice attempt to write a specific and well-argued essay. There is a scope of improvement in body paragraph 2. A few grammatical issues. With a similar attempt, you have a chance to score 7 bands.
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