Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Encourage Adults to do Exercise.

Adults do less exercise these days. Some people think that showing sports events on the television such as the Olympics and international tournament is the best way to encourage adults to do exercise. Others believe there are more effective ways to do so. Discuss both views and give your opinion. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is evident that most young people adults (wrong synonym) have become more sedentary in the last few years. In order to foster adults them (use a referencing device instead of a synonym. This will improve cohesion and reduce lexical resource mistakes.) to do regular exercise, some people suggest to broadcast big sport events on TV, while others reckon that increasing the quality and quantity of sport centers is a better way. Personally, (I = personally) I firmly believe that adults should build physical activities into their daily life. (Though the introduction is well-structured, it needs to be improved as mentioned above.)

No one can deny the unprecedented popularity that of international sport events, where athletes from around the world compete, have among youngsters (This word includes minors as well as young adults. Incorrect choice of word. The essay is about ADULTS of all age groups.). Watching those superstars that , who adults always try to copy, will definitely stimulate them to do more exercise. However, motivation based actions usually do not last long. According to the latest studies, the prefrontal cortex part of the brain is responsible for the those actions and, unfortunately, this segment of the brain is the first one to shut down when a person is stressed or tired, the two status that most of adults suffer from regularly (Did you miss something? This part of the sentence does not seem to convey anything.). This hinders them from carrying on doing exercise for long period even if they were motivated by an event.

On the other hand, the ubiquity of gym facilities and sport centers is a more fruitful way of encouraging adults to do exercise. Many young people stop going to the gym only because it is either too far, or does not (parallelism issue: EITHER X OR Y. The first words of X and Y should belong to the same family. Your words are: too = adverb, does = auxiliary verb.) either it is too far or it does not have the tools they need to practice with. Therefore, at least one fully-fledged sport center should exist in each neighborhood. Also, each building should have a clean swimming pool on the roof or in the basement. Swimming is a sport that many love but have no chance to practice due to the rareness of a neat and clean swimming pool.

Despite a few sentence structuring mistakes, your ideas are well developed in a logical manner. Good job!

To conclude, despite the stimulation that international sport events create in adults, establishing and maintaining sport facilities and centers is more efficient way to attract them to do exercise.

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