Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: The Best Way to Reduce Youth Crimes.

The best way to reduce youth crimes is to educate the parents with parental skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Here’s another variant of this question that appeared in a September 2017 exam: Parents have a greater influence on their children’s future success than schools do. Governments should, therefore, provide ”parenting training courses” rather than ”teacher training courses”. Do you agree with this idea?

Answer:

It is argued that the best method to decrease violent activities among the youngsters is to make their parents learns learn about (you always learn skills. You never learn about skills.) parenting skills. I totally disagree with this point of view since they are more influenced by their surroundings and parents usually have less time to monitor them because of their hectic schedule. (You’ve correctly used the pronoun THEY-THEM-THEIR to refer to the youngsters. However, the last one refers to parents. One pronoun family should refer to one noun only.)

(The introduction is well structured and you’ve mentioned the reasons supporting your opinion.)

While growing up (“While growing up” must be placed next to “the youngsters” since “the youngsters” are growing, not “it“. It is often the case that, while growing up, youngsters ….) it is often the case that the youngsters tend to spend more time outside home than with their parents. As children are vulnerable in nature, they easily fall prey to illegal activities around them. In other words, criminals take advantage of this and often influence and instigate them to carry out serious crimes in society to fulfill their (One pronoun family must refer to one noun only.) motives. For example, in Kashmir, a significant number of children are ready to go against their families to carry out violent atrocities in the valley against innocents and army under the influence of terrorism(The example lacks context since PARENTS are missing from the picture. Task response suffers. See below.)

Correct placement of clauses will fetch you more bands. As I’ve pointed out regarding “while growing up”, you should ask “who is under the influence of terrorism”? Army? or the Kashmiri youth? Now restructure: For example, under the influence of a terrorism infested environment, the Kashmiri youth are being dragged to a life of militancy and parents are completely powerless in preventing this (context). No amount of parenting skills (context) can prevent this development.

The other reason is that many parents are unable to look after their kids because of their busy schedule and heavy workload at their workplace (The use of pronouns is correct. I’m just demonstrating that you can avoid pronouns at a few places without changing the meaning of the sentence.). This is to say that parents are more concerned in about earning money (Livelihood would have been a better word. concerned about earning a livelihood.) than to teach their (the first their refers to parents. The second refers to children. If you avoid the first their the grammar mistake is avoided without any change in meaning.) children important skills which are useful for their future. Teaching parenting skills will be a futile exercise since parents will not have time to implement the ideas and concepts learned during the program. Moreover, the program schedule will consume a lot of time which will further reduce whatever little time parents have for children(CONTEXT) This careless attitude of parents against their (avoid) children at home often lead to a lack of discipline among them (Another pronoun referencing mistake. Can you make it out?), which further can result in children being driven to illegal activities. For example, a survey conducted by Times stated that, (no comma) parents who are relaxed and careless about rules at home, their children are more prone to carry out violent crimes later in life. (Okay. I can’t see parenting course or parental skills in both body paragraphs. A great loss of task response. You need to add just TWO sentences to create a proper context. I’ve written them above in blue color.)

In conclusion, parenting skills are not effective for reducing criminal activities among youth as society plays an important role in shaping their lives and parents are unable to guide them in the right direction because of their (pronoun referencing mistake) work commitments

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