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IELTS Essay Correction: Economic Development is the Only Way to End Poverty.

Some people think that economic development is the only way to end poverty while others believe that it is causing damage to the environment and it should be stopped. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The 21st century has witnessed unprecedented growth in the number of factories and businesses set-ups in order to eradicate poverty among the masses. Though this trend provides innumerable opportunities of for (the right preposition with opportunity is for) employment, higher salary packages and world recognition; yet (use either YET or ALTHOUGH/ THOUGH) some people opine to cease this phenomenon due to increased pollution level and environmental degradation. I think a balance between both the aspects would lead to sustainable environment and a prosperous society.

The introduction is well-structured with appropriate words. Good Job!

YET – THOUGH: Though his writing is good, he is trying to make it better. His writing is good, yet (still) he is trying to make it better.

To commence with, the significance of economic development for any country cannot be overlooked. Financial progress implies a social and political development. (How does this lead to social and political development? I can’t see the connection with JOBS or POVERTY. + Economic is very different from financial. Financial = money only. Economic = all activities in a community.) It is directly proportional to the number of jobs created vacancies (Economic development does not lead to vacancies. It creates jobs.) since new corporate houses and businesses offer higher employment. Also, with the emergence of Multi-National Companies (MNCs), lucrative salaries are provided which certainly means social well-being. (You’ve not mentioned about the eradication of poverty. This is a must to build cohesion.)

Economic progress leads to social development by providing meaningful and satisfactory employment to the people (connect social development with employment. Note the use of adjectives. This creates collocation.). It not only reduces the number of people who are unemployed but also increase the salaries of those who are already employed (Dual benefits connected using NOT ONLY BUT ALSO). This has a serious impact of poverty in any society.

Moreover, an economically sound nation enjoys a worldwide identity as well as a superior position on a global platform. For instance, gone are the days when India was thought to be an undeveloped economy. Now, various MNC’s and businesses has have raised its status as handsome remunerations are paid to the employees in different fields which has undoubtedly contributed to its unique global identity. (Does this help in reducing poverty? I can’t see that. Task response lost.)

On the other hand, increasing financial growth requires hefty infrastructure. Consequently, more land and water resources are being used up which also leads to the contamination of these (THESE refers to the land and water resources. Resources can’t be contaminated. Land and water can be.) treasures. For example, to set up a new factory, several acres of land is cleared by cutting down thousands of trees. Then, for the construction purpose raw materials are needed, transportation of which causes air pollution. (This sentence can be better structured. Note the use of modifier. WHICH and ITS promote cohesion: Then construction raw material, which is extracted from nature, and its transportation lead to severe air and land pollution.) Furthermore, the waste produced in these building is not disposed of properly contributing and this contributes to water and land pollution. (“X and this Y”: this refers to X. Increased cohesion in the sentence.)

To conclude, economic growth is vital for a country to survive and it should not be stopped. However, certain measures like stringent pollution control regulations, awareness camps, and seminars etc. can be taken to make people vigilant about the significance of mother nature and to make the planet Earth a better place to live.

Body paragraphs 1 and 2 need better task response and sentence structuring. Though body paragraph 3 scores well on task response, it needs better sentence structuring.

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