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IELTS Essay Correction: Trend of Increasing Amount​ of Consumer Goods​.

There is a trend of increasing amounts of consumer goods which leads to environmental problems. What are the reasons for this trend? Give your opinion and solutions. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, there has have been innumerous numerous scientific and technological advances in the last few decades which has have comforted humans in several ways. Consequently, (Let us not use a word meant for a conclusion in the introduction.) it This has led to increased consumerism. Increased salaries and mushrooming competition are the key factors responsible for the proliferation in of (correct preposition with proliferation is OF) consumer goods (From the first two sentences it seems as if scientific and technological developments are the reason for consumerism.). However, (You’re neither disagreeing with a previous idea nor are you proposing the opposite. Wrong use of HOWEVER.) I believe that planned intelligent shopping along with higher taxes payable on luxurious items can be the possible solutions for this detrimental (you’ve not given any evidence that consumerism is detrimental) phenomenon.

Consumerism has tremendously increased in the 21st century due to numerous scientific and technological developments, increased salaries and mushrooming competition (all reasons in the same sentence – A, B and C – with perfect parallelism.). This (Cohesive device to refer to the previous sentence) is leading the severe environmental damage (= detrimental. Context.) which (cohesive device to connect two sentences) can be prevented through the twin approaches of planned intelligent shopping and higher taxes on luxurious items.

To commence with, certainly, there are plethora of goods and services available in the market for fulfilling both the genuine and ingenuine ungenuine needs of people which has led leads (prefer simple present tense) to environmental degradation. For instance, the CFC’s emitted by refrigerators and air-conditioners deplete the ozone layer causing global warming.

To my mind Moreover, in today’s scenario when both the parents are working, financial status has risen up enormously enabling the masses to afford a hefty amount of gadgets, clothes, eatables and other items. It This (It vs This – “IT” is used to refer to a noun. “THIS” refers to the clause or sentence.) has also led to a culture of ‘use and throw’ in the society. Also, due to escalating competition in the market marketing section, more services and facilities are at disposal at stores as well as online shopping platforms. either by online or manual shopping(Need to write more elaborately to express ideas clearly. A problem in the last two sentences.)

You’ve explained the reasons for reckless consumerism in a logical manner.

To fight with this problem, people should be made cognizant of this issue and its harmful affects by conducting various seminars and camps. Moreover, they should be encouraged for planned shopping by alleviating false buying (Let us connect the two ideas. This will also help explain the idea.: These sessions should aim at teaching people the value of planned shopping which helps save money and preserve the environment by preventing reckless shopping.). Moreover, a heavy cess should be levied on the goods and services which do not fall under the category of basic amenities. (EXPLAIN in one sentence.) Planting more trees can also be beneficial. (It is better to EXPLAIN two solutions than just mentioning four and explaining none.)

After analyzing the reasons and solutions of the aforestated problem, it can be concluded that modern services are, undeniably, for the betterment and ease of human race but excess of it is adversely affecting the mother nature and depleting the natural resources. The government, society and the individuals should join their hand to tackle with the problems associated with this trend for the bright future of posterity.  (The conclusion is too long. You need to invest more in writing body paragraphs with proper explanation.)

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